Today was my mother’s 65th birthday!! Happy Birthday, Mom!! I love you more than I could possibly express, and I’m so sorry that you are going through all of this on your birthday.

It was a good day, despite a few inconveniences. After Elliot spent half the night on the phone with Verizon trying to get our phone fixed, he finally worked out a temporary fix so that if my mother called, I could answer the phone. I have to say, that was my greatest worry – my mother gets so upset when she cannot reach us, and I certainly did not want to cause her one moment of distress through Verizon’s idiocy.

My phone rang a little after 8 this morning, and it was my mom telling me that she had a good night. Ever since she started wearing her new talking watch, she has been much more oriented as to the day/time. I’m so glad that worked out!

The kids woke up shortly after Mom’s call, and the day began. It was our usual routine…breakfast for the kids, waiting for the babysitter (Christin today), etc. While Christin entertained Micah, I started to sort and fold laundry while Elliot fought with Verizon about fixing our phone line (in short, someone ordered that our line be switched from a regular landline to their FIOS service, which caused us to lose service). There is a huge mountain of clothing to sort and fold right now thanks to all the hand-me-downs we have for the kids. I still have to get to all of my clothing, too!

We received a flower delivery for mom from Faye and Barry – we’ll be surprising her with the flowers tomorrow at her birthday party (we’ll use them as the centerpiece at lunch). While I was folding laundry, I got another call from my mother – despite EVERYTHING, they were AGAIN refusing to let her use the commode. I was furious, and I called up the nurse coordinator for the floor and yelled. About 15 minutes later, my mother called back – she wanted me to know that she was sitting on the commode. I started to laugh – how many people are actually excited to receive a phone call from their mother about sitting on the commode? I’ll suffice it to say that Mom’s commode adventure was a success, and as a result, she was pain-free all day today.

Actually, they had Mom on the commode a second time after lunch, too. The first time, they just helped her stand and pivot to get to the commode, but the second time, they used a different type of a mechanical lift called the sit-stand lift. All I know is that last week, when all this began, they had proposed using the sit-stand lift for moving her, and OT determined it was not safe and forbid it. Today, that is the same lift they used…which just makes me angry that they *could* have fixed this issue a week ago!! I guess I will just be thankful we fixed it today.

Maya and I left to meet my parents at 12:30. Mom looked great today and was eager for me to read the blog and hear all of your messages (via email, Facebook and the blog). Today was a bit chaotic – we had three cell phones ringing off the hook with messages from Mom, and she spoke to as many people as she possibly could. All of her friends were calling, and she was so thrilled to be speaking to everyone. Gonzalo – I am not certain if my mom ever spoke to you directly today, but I played her your voicemail message and she had a huge smile on her face. Jo – she was thrilled to get your texts today, too, and hopes you are recovering well.

Radiation was relatively on time…but we again had to wait 2 hours for the return transport back to Levindale! The part that makes me angriest? Transport being late meant that Jeremy was unable to visit Mom today – sitting and waiting for transport ate up my brother’s planned visit time. I am so sick of how inconsiderate this transport company has been. We have a scheduled pick-up time, and there is just no reason they cannot arrive within 20 minutes of that time.

After 1 1/2 hours, I decided it was enough, and I started to call the transport company every few minutes. I spoke to a supervisor, and I told them that all of this was unacceptable. We will not be waiting for transport for hours anymore. We are supposed to have a standing arrangement, and for the last week or so, they have not been doing a good job of getting back on time to pick Mom up from Hopkins. I will have my father call the transport earlier, and we will make THEM sit and wait for US if necessary. If they fail to show up within 20 minutes, I will be on the phone making their lives miserable – I’ve decided to become that customer that they appease to avoid. Being nice and understanding isn’t working for us, so it is time for a new approach.

After transport arrived, we finally got back to Levindale a little after 5. We were sorry to hear that we missed a visit from Carrie (my sister-in-law’s sister-in-law). She works at Sinai and stopped by to drop off a balloon and a brownie for my mother. She was so touched, loved the brownie, and wishes she had a chance to see and thank you in person. We also learned that the Luchs had sent us another flower delivery, too. It took us about an hour to hunt the flowers down, but we did, and they were beautiful! They sit next to the plant Scott and Rochelle sent when we arrived at Levindale and the plant the Levine, Lichter and Breslow “kids” sent to my mom when she was at Hopkins.

When we got back to my mother’s room, her aide, Krystal, was there waiting. She was a wonderful help – she quickly got Mom back into bed, changed, and comfortable. She put away Mom’s clothes, and arranged everything. When Mom needed a drink, she went and got one for her. It was so nice for me – I just sat down and nursed the baby (well, I hunted down the flowers, too), but I was far less frazzled than normal.

My father left (and after a bit of head-butting, I finally convinced him to drive home via the back roads because a traffic accident had closed down the major highway route he usually takes), and I stayed behind for a while longer with Krystal. I showed her where the fresh fruit was located (and the ice cream). Krystal got Mom’s dinner tray and set it up for her (because we were so late coming back from Hopkins, we did not end up getting Mom any special dinner from a restaurant). I showed her how we cue Mom to find her food. Mom topped off her dinner with fresh honeydew and Breyer’s Chocolate Ice Cream. I should have lit a candle for Mom and sung happy birthday…but she attacks that ice cream far too quickly! I started to help Mom fill out her menus, but ended up leaving those for Krystal to finish with her.

After dinner, Mom started to work on some of her speech and vision therapy exercises – a word search! She was initially finding it frustrating because she could not find the words. She said she felt stupid, and I told her the problem was the vision, not her brain. I watched what she was doing, and I realized that she was only looking at the right 4 rows of the word search, and that is why she was having such a hard time. So, I slowed her down, and started her off by helping her find the left side of the puzzle. I found that I needed to verbally coax her to the end of every row, and realized that was not effective. So I then took her cell phone and placed it to the left of the word search, and told her to keep searching across each row until she saw her phone. That helped enormously, and my mother started to find her words! I then remembered a tip that Kat, the occupational therapist from Wilmer, had given us, and I dug out a blue highlighter from my purse. I drew a blue line down the left side of the paper, and told my mom she needed to search across each row until she saw the blue line. That really made a huge difference! I think I need to start to carry a highlighter around all the time to help my mother with reading (and possibly some other device my mom can use with books, too). She is getting much better at scanning, and is learning how to better cope with the vision loss.

I ended up leaving while my mom was working on the word search. Krystal was helping her out, and she took care of setting my mother up for the night. It was kind of a relief for me not to worry about whether I forgot something.

Maya screamed the entire ride home tonight – I guess my timing was off, because lately she has been napping for about half of the trip. I arrived home around 7:20, and Micah and Elliot were still at services. I made a few phone calls and nursed Maya again. When they arrived home, I got a little quality time with Micah before we put him to bed. My mom called around 8:45 to tell me that they had given her the steroids. I was upset because it was the wrong time…but I did wonder if they had forgotten to give mom her afternoon dosage. I called my father and he checked with the nurse to figure out why they were giving her the meds at 8:30. They did forget to give her afternoon medications. I felt terrible that we did not remind the nurses, but again, THEIR system should be making sure this doesn’t happen! What about patients that do not have family members around?

Elliot baked cupcakes tonight for my mother’s birthday (I’ll be decorating them before we leave). We decided to go with cupcakes because they are easier to transport and eat and less likely to invoke a cutting fee from the restaurant. I had wanted to experiment with a new cupcake recipe, but we did not have time to get to the store to pick up some of the different ingredients, so we went with our old “standby” recipe. I also have been wanting to try out my Aunt Hilda’s icing, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to do that this time. I’m looking forward to tomorrow, and I hope we have a great party.

Oh, and Donna, if you are reading this, we hope that your daughter’s wedding is a beautiful, wonderful, and amazing event for your family, and we wish her years and years of happiness!

I’m thrilled and touched by all the birthday calls and wishes I received today. So far, it has been a good day. Pain-free, no intestinal issues. I enjoyed lunch with my girls (Jen, Paige and Peyton) – they brought me a cupcake and it was delish! Mickey picked up a chicken salad sandwich from Panera (courtesy of Montgomery College Library) and a chocolate croissant. What more could I ask for (whispered “Breyers Chocolate Ice Cream“). I got bunny hugs and delicious kisses from Paige and Peyton and birthday wishes.

I am going out tomorrow for lunch. Looking forward to seeing everyone and I hope I have the strength and won’t disappoint anyone with my performance.

I am nervous about moving. I think that is not unusual. I’m nervous about establishing new routines, etc., but I’m also looking forward to it. I have a new aide staying with me at Levindale from 7-7, and I feel more secure about that. Hopefully, they are finally getting the commode issue straightened out. My day is much shorter and sweeter if it is pain-free, and that is best I can ask for. I will be satisfied with that for now.

I’ve been standing by myself in PT for over 7 minutes. I’d like to tackle stairs next.

Today, Micah turned 22 months old! I wish that I could say I did something special for him… but I didn’t. Instead, we had a meeting at Levindale at 11:00 am. He woke up at 8:30 while I was nursing the baby, Elliot gave him breakfast while I showered and dressed, and then Megan took Micah to preschool today while Elliot, Maya and I drove to Levindale. The weather was terrible and the traffic was awful, so the trip was a long one.

This meeting was to address the concerns we have been having with my mother and her intestinal issues. I was angry, and told them that their policies have been causing harm, and that their calculations about patient safety were one thing, but when they caused physical harm, exceptions were warranted. My mother and father were also able to express their frustrations with the situation. After an hour-long heated discussion, I think (hopefully) that we worked out a resolution. They have a special lift sling that will be delivered tomorrow morning that will allow for my mother to be safely transferred to a commode. In the meantime, Levindale contracted for a sitter to be with Mom all night tonight and tomorrow until the sling arrives, and the sitter was given permission to transfer my mother to the commode at her request with the assistance of other staff members. I cannot believe it took them over a week to figure out this resolution. I’ll believe it when it is implemented!

Transport was running an hour late, so we did not even leave for Hopkins until 1:45. As we waited, my mother dictated another blog post, we read her my blog from yesterday and your messages. Luckily, when we arrived at Hopkins, radiation was relatively on time, and we were back out the door at 2:30. We had convinced transport to wait for my mother today, so she was able to immediately head back to Levindale. Elliot and I decided to leave for home. My father and mother went back to Levindale, and my mother had a lovely visit from her cousin, Michael. I’m so glad they had a chance to catch up!

On our way home, we stopped off to visit Della (our friend Arleen’s mother), who just settled in to rehab. I thought she looked wonderful, and it was great to see her! We brought greetings of love from my mother, and she sent back her warmest regards and love, too. But the best part…we introduced the two “Delicious” ladies. Stuart, Della’s grandson, loves to call Della Delicious, too, and as we all know, my mom calls Maya Delicious. So, today, Della Delicious met Maya Delicious. What could be better?

We made it home by 5:15. It was a quiet night – we just played, ate dinner, played some more, then bathed the children and put them to sleep. So far, all is quiet.

I keep thinking in my head, 22 months. How is it possible that Micah is 22 months old? My little baby is growing up! His language is truly starting to explode – he says the funniest things, and he is becoming a parrot. I told him he was a goofball the other day, and he looked back at me and said “Mommy goofball.” This morning, when he stepped outside, he said “raining.” We are currently struggling with getting him to eat well-balanced meals – I think he’d eat cheese, raisins and spoons of peanut butter if I let him decide. Micah is definitely starting to warm up to Maya – he kisses and hugs her, he brings her toys, and last night he tried to feed her with his sippy cup. We are trying to work on his behavioral issues…he is definitely a terrible two! He knows most of his letters and numbers, and he is starting to learn his colors, too. I worry about him – he is definitely feeling the strain of our situation, and I hope things get better once we bring my mom back home.

Tonight, I’m irritated as hell at Verizon. Yesterday, Elliot checked our bill, noticed that Verizon added a $10 per month charge for one of our previously “free” stations, so he decided to call up and cancel the channel. Tonight, my phone rang at 7:40, and all was well. At 10:30, I was surprised that I h ad not heard from my mother all night, so I picked up the phone to call my father…and realized our phone line is dead. We checked all the phones to see if there was a phone off the hook, but no such luck. Elliot called Verizon, and they are telling us that an order to cancel our phone line was placed yesterday! We are trying to get to the bottom of this, but in the meantime, we’re PISSED.

Tomorrow is my mother’s 65th birthday. We actually really don’t have any major plans for the day (other than PT, a trip to Hopkins for radiation, and dinner at the lovely Levindale). Perhaps we’ll see if my mother would like us to pick up something special for her to eat. And maybe we’ll light a candle in her nightly ice cream. I think just being together tomorrow will be nice. We’ll be celebrating in style on Saturday instead at a Chinese restaurant. It will be my mother’s first real trip out in 6 weeks, and I hope it is successful and fun for her!

Today I thought I’d talk about sponge baths. This morning, I was nice and toasty in my bed. The nurses came in to give me a sponge bath – it feels like they rip the covers off, get you wet, and then you sit there suddenly freezing cold. Nice that they wash you, but not pleasant to be so cold. I wish they could figure out a way to make it warmer.

Physical Therapy is hard work. I can definitely see I’m getting stronger. I hate the speech stuff – it makes me feel stupid. They ask me to do simple stuff and I can’t coordinate the tasks. They ask me to do things like connect dots in numerical order and name the object that the dots form – I miss some of the dots and then I can’t name the object because it looks wrong.

I like stretching with PT. It hurts, but it feels good. My muscles get tight and I’m stiff in the mornings. I try to do some exercises in bed whenever I can to build my strength.

In general, I feel ok, but I do not have much endurance or stamina. It is definitely an issue.

My appetite is incredible. I eat anything not nailed down. I’ll be the only person who gains 10 pounds in the hospital! I think this is due to the steroids.

That is all I have for today. I’ll try and think of more to say tomorrow.

Once again…a reminder that there is also another post from my mother below!

Family is a very strange thing. Growing up, I always thought my mother had such a huge family. She had tons of aunts and uncles and cousins – so many second and third and fourth cousins that sometimes she wasn’t even sure exactly HOW they were all related to her! Like every family, they had that one cousin that no one would claim – she was always described by everyone as YOUR cousin.

Over the years we went up to Scranton to visit my grandparents, I remember always being amazed by how we seemed to be related to everyone. I knew so many members of my mother’s family, even though I rarely saw most of them outside of special occasions, like birthdays, bar/bat mitzvahs, and funerals. My grandmother’s family seemed larger to me than my grandfather’s family. My grandmother had two distinct parts of her family – the Smith line (her father’s family) and the Kabatchnik line (her mother’s family). I only knew a small portion of my grandfather’s family, and all of them were Browns. Ironically, some of my strongest family memories relate to the Brown portion of my mother’s family.

What amazes me most, however, is how some family members are people you only see for snapshots in time…a family holiday once every few years, a birthday party, or a major life event. Nevertheless, these family members forever make an impression in our minds and hearts. Tonight, I was thinking and reminiscing about family with my cousin, Francine. Francine’s grandmother, Hilda, and my grandmother were sisters. Hilda and my grandmother were 15 years apart in age…which meant that my mother was approximately 15 years younger than Hilda’s children (Murray and Barbara), and I was a good 15 years younger than Murray and Barbara’s children. Francine is Murray’s daughter, and Francine, Murray and Gracy are perfect examples of how some family members can make a huge impression in just moments of time.

By the time I was born, Francine was already an adult. I really only saw her and her parents, Murray and Gracy, when they were visiting Hilda at times I happened to be visiting my grandmother. If I added up all the visits with them, it probably wasn’t a particularly large number. And yet, I have such strong and vivid memories of my times with them. Perhaps some of it was the fact that my mom adored her cousin Murray (and his wife Gracy), and somehow, that transferred to me, too. I loved Murray’s mustache – he had this huge, thick, handlebar mustache that looked like it belonged in another era.

I remember Francine as a younger adult, with very long hair that she wore hanging in two thick braids. Francine was always doing something fabulous…living overseas, working in refugee camps, traveling around Asia, studying peace in graduate school in Hawaii. I loved hearing updates about Francine and seeing photos from my Great Aunt Hilda whenever I came to visit. When my grandfather died, my grandmother took a cruise around Asia – and she met up with Francine, Murray and Gracy (in Bangkok, I believe). I loved hearing all of those stories and seeing the photos.

I remember being so thrilled when Francine “finally” decided to return to the states and “settle down” right here in DC. She was always such an exciting person to me and I loved the idea that we would get to know each other and become close. I was even more excited when I learned her father, Murray, would be moving to DC, too. For many years, we spent time together, but as my grandmother’s dementia set in and Murray’s MS worsened, we all just sort of drifted apart. I think when my grandmother’s dementia set in, my mom pulled away from a lot of the family – it was just too hard.

I find it interesting how family relationships change with time. Some family members float in and out of our lives. Sometimes, we hold everyone close, and at other times, we have a way of losing track of relatives. Over the years, my mother’s family has slowly passed away and drifted apart. Now, it is my father’s family that seems to be the predominant presence in our lives – many of whom I never met until I became an adult.

But, in times of great sadness, families sometimes have a way of rebuilding. At my mother’s request, I have been reaching out and finding some of her “long-lost” family members over the past month – an attempt to reconnect with them. Ironically, Francine and I found each other a few months back (before all of this happened) on Facebook…just before her father, Murray, died. I learned about Murray’s death through Facebook…and I was so sad that we did not have the opportunity to re-establish our relationship before he died. My mother, father, Elliot, Micah and I went to Murray’s “Jewish wake” – that was the first time we had seen Francine, her husband and her son in many years.

Since my mom got sick, Francine has been a huge presence in our lives – she has been supporting us with food delivery, messages of encouragement, and incredible tips and gems of advice from her own experience caring for her parents. I just wanted to tell Francine thank you, again, for all you have done.

The kids were up early today, and Elliot was out the door by 9:15 for a meeting. Megan helped me get the kids fed and dressed and took Micah to Kidville for his class, and I stayed behind to take care of a few odds and ends. Around 11:30, I left for Hopkins with Maya, but first I decided to detour through Columbia to meet my friend Niki for lunch on my way out to meet my parents. On my car ride up, I had a long chat with Joey (glad to hear he is doing better after his surgery).

I arrived at Niki’s office at 12:30 as she was finishing up with a patient. Niki and her brother, Sam, are dentists and own a wonderful dental practice in Columbia (if anyone local is in need of a good dentist, I highly recommend their practice!). They recently moved into a gorgeous new office, and it was my first time visiting the space. While Niki was finishing up with her patient, Sam and I had a chance to catch up and he gave me a tour of the office.

I had a great visit with Niki, and it was a nice break before I started the day. Maya and I made it to Hopkins a little after 2, and much to my surprise, my mother was already finished with radiation! The parking attendants were kind and let me double park my car in front while we sat and waited for the wheelchair transport with my mom. It was a long wait – a full hour! During that time, I read the blog to my mom, I lotioned her arm and her head, and we had a chance to just catch up a bit while my father wandered around with Maya.

Today was a good day for mom. When we returned to Levindale, she showed me her mail from the day – she had received several cards from rehab staff at Hopkins! She was so touched that they were thinking about her…there were notes from all of her nurses (including Philadelphia, Jeanette, Janell, Ed and Donna), and all of the PT and OT staff, too. My mom hasn’t forgotten any of you, and we think of all of you often, too. Ed, if you are reading this – we had QUITE a laugh over your note. Many of you may remember that my mom kept telling Ed that he was like the last guy in the circus parade, who got stuck walking behind the elephant and cleaning up shit. Well, Ed’s note said that the circus just isn’t the same without the elephant. So, Ed, know that the “elephant” misses you, too.

My father left on the early side so I could spend time with my mother. I also had another surprise for my mother – her talking watch arrived! I had set it up and I put it on her wrist and taught her how to use it. Hopefully, the watch will help her keep oriented on time and date. We also had gotten a crochet tool that should help my mother hold the yarn when she tries to crochet again. We are hoping it allows her to work on projects again, but we shall see.

Jeremy arrived a little after 4, and he stayed with us through dinner, focusing on mom while I nursed Maya. Once again, we all left around 6. On my way home, I got an update on Della (she is out of the hospital and in rehab). Mom called again at 9:00 tonight to tell me things were going well. I hope the rest of her night is just as good.

This evening, Francine brought over Murray’s wheelchair van for us to borrow to use with my mother. I cannot even begin to express what that means to us. It will give us a freedom that relying on wheelchair transports just cannot do. It made me realize the importance of family, yet again. Even when time passes, and even when we drift in and out of each other’s lives, family has a way of becoming a touchstone, a rock, in the presence of great adversity.

Tonight, Francine and I got to know each other, as adults who now have a common connection. We caught each other up a bit on our lives, but we mostly reminisced and focused on our memories. Francine told me that when she was a child, she used to think my mom was “cool.” I found that ironic, since I always thought of Francine as “cool” when I was a child, with her world-traveling. I told Francine some of my memories of her, Murray and Gracy, including the night that Murray stayed up all night with us after Jeremy’s bar mitzvah, telling us stories (while we plied him with whiskey).

I drove Francine home, and had a chance to go inside and spend some time with her husband, too. Francine shared with me a plaque that Hilda had gotten when she was a participant in the Pillsbury Bake-Off, and sitting in her living room was a piece of Hilda’s furniture that I remember from my childhood. It is sad that from such a large family, there are very few of us left. Most of all, I guess I am glad that Francine is back in our lives again, and I hope that this time, we manage to stay in each other’s lives.

Tomorrow, we have a meeting with the nurses at 11:00 am. We hope they will have worked out a solution to my mom’s lift issue and finally start to bring my mom some relief. I hope to do the “early shift” with my mom tomorrow – I’ll leave here around 9:30 or 10, and I hope to be heading back home by 3.

Many of you have noticed that we have not posted any new pictures recently. This blog only allows a maximum of 51 photos at a time, and we have now hit our limit. I’m working on the problem – there are so many more pictures (and videos) I’d like to post. I hope to work that out soon.

Just a few random things I’ve been thinking about that I thought I would share…just what pops into my head at night as I think.

For those who have never spent much time in Vegas or a hospital, time gets very confusing. I have my days, nights, times all mixed up. I’m just as likely to call at 5:30 am as 5:30 pm – to me it is all the same. I go to bed at 7:45 I wake up at 9:45 I think it is morning but it is all the same day…I think I’ve slept all night, but I’ve only slept 2 hours. Very hard to track.

I am beginning to feel like a Raggedy Ann or Raggedy Andy doll – everyone pulls here and pushes there and flops me around. While I know it is necessary, sometimes I want to say, “Don’t touch me anymore!” If they hurt me, they say sorry, and afterwards I always say ok, but it isn’t.

Oh patience. One thing all hospital patients should have is patience and it is the one thing they forgot to give me. Making you wait doesn’t make you more patient, it just makes you angry and frustrated. There should be an injection or pill for patience because everything in a hospital is wait wait wait.

Crap – I just hit post and the system glitched and lost my entire post. Crap!! I know that I started by reminding everyone to read my mother’s post – it is after this one.

One year ago, I learned that I was pregnant with Maya. It was actually on a Sunday, and my parents had Paige and Peyton for the day. I planned to take Micah and meet my parents and the girls at Butler’s Orchard for the day at the Pumpkin Festival. I wasn’t feeling great, and I wanted to take some medication, but decided to test first to make sure I wasn’t pregnant.

Elliot and I had just started trying for baby #2. We had a hard time getting pregnant with Micah, so we expected it would be a long road to get pregnant with Maya. In fact, our plans included undergoing fertility treatments around the time my mom ended up getting hospitalized and diagnosed with cancer. Anyway, that morning, I grabbed a pregnancy test that was in one of the drawers (at least a year old), took it, put it on the bathroom counter and walked away. When I returned to the bathroom, I barely glanced at it as I threw it in the trash, but something caught my eye, and I fished it back out again. I thought I saw a line, but just wasn’t sure. I asked Elliot, and he couldn’t decide if he saw anything either. I was certain it was a mistake, but asked him to pick up another test while I was out.

All day long, I was thinking “what if.” I carried Micah in the Ergo carrier, and we enjoyed ourselves. I remember Micah going crazy at the moon bounce – he was too young to go inside, but he was kicking like crazy as he saw his cousins jumping, and he wanted to hold on to the outside. My mom noticed that I was distracted, and I put her off by telling her I had a lot on my mind.

When I returned home that night, I took a second test. I sat there stunned as I looked at it. Elliot came into the bathroom, and asked me what it said. Without a word, I handed him the stick. He looked at me and asked, “I thought 2 lines meant pregnant?” I nodded, and Elliot still looked confused. “What does that mean?” “It means that at least for now, it appears I am pregnant.” We were stunned – we didn’t really know what to think. We were afraid to get too excited about things. We spent the next few weeks getting bloodwork and ultrasounds to confirm the viability of the pregnancy. Two days before Thanksgiving, we were actually told that I was miscarrying…it was not until December that we actually got word that everything was good with the pregnancy.

What a difference a year makes, huh? I’m now nursing that little miracle. Through all of this mess, I keep thinking that maybe Maya came so easily and quickly because she had to meet Mom. If Elliot and I hadn’t decided to start trying again early, there is no way we would be going through fertility treatments right now, or even the foreseeable future. So, for anyone who asks about how close in age our children are, she is our little perfectly timed miracle, and I’m thankful for her every second of the day, and I know my Mom says over and over again how Delicious is the best part of her day, and she is thankful for every minute she gets to spend with her.

I don’t have the bandwidth to retype our day, so here it is in a nutshell:

8:00 – Got Micah out of bed
8:30 – Got Elliot awake
8:45 – Nursed Maya
9:15 – Micah and Elliot went to preschool
9:15 – 11:00 – I cleaned for the cleaning lady, sorted through Maya’s clothing to put away all the newborn sized clothes, and pulled out clothing for Micah and Maya from the hand-me-down boxes
12:30 – Drove to Hopkins
1:40 – Mom and Dad arrived at Hopkins
2:00 – radiation finished (on time for once), but transport was very late.
3:15 – transport arrived and we left for Levindale
3:15-3:30 – I worked out details for mom’s birthday party on Saturday with her friend Diane
3:30 – talked with nurse coordinator about the commode issue
3:30 – 5:00 – read mom emails, responded to notes, helped her set up for the night, helped her make phone calls
5:15 – helped mom with dinner
6:00 – left for home
7:00 – interviewed (and hired) caretaker with Dad
9:10 – Mom called (to say she made it through another night – they probably gave her the meds early, so I hope she doesn’t have another headache tomorrow)
5:30 – finishing blogging and pumping
6:00 – Maya woke up and I lost blog due to a computer glitch – retyping one handed while I nurse her

Going to snuggle with my little miracle right now.

Since I’ve been in the hospital, I feel a need to constantly grasp onto something…my iPod, the blanket, my phone. I’m not sure whether it is to feel I can control something in my life…I don’t know.

I also have been on steroids to contain brain swelling. It has been interesting as I get hallucinations. Usually, I just see my grandchildren peering around the corners at me and saying “hi, Grammy!” or small objects or bubbles floating by me. Nothing scary – no spiders on the wall or anything like that. Just stuff that makes me smile.

This week, I am trying to get some new activities. I’m going to attempt to listen to Tuesdays With Morrie on tape.

I am still contemplating lots of things…especially how to do this. How to die gracefully and bravely. I’ve been thinking about how to say goodbye to people I’ve known my whole life. We have so many years and shared experiences together. It occurred to me that you can’t say goodbye because they share all your memories and saying goodbye is like throwing out all your memories because you give it all to them. I’m not ready to do that. So I guess I’ll be saying see you on another plane or level. Not sure if I believe that but who knows what is possible.

I love you all and look forward to spending more time with you. I try to think of every day as a gift…but some days the gift seems like a pain in my ass (literally). And one day I’ll say see you in another place.

Just so no one misses it – please also read the next entry down (published last night) – it is a message to all of you from my mother. If you are having trouble finding it, click on the word Journal at the top, and it will take you to all the entries. Mom’s message will be the second one down.

I apologize – I’m very late today publishing a blog. Last night (Sunday night) was a rough night. My mom called every few hours (10, 12, and 2) because she was not having a good night. Micah woke up at 4:30 am (well, Elliot accidentally woke Micah up at 4:30) and never really went back to sleep. I sat in his room with him for a while, trying to sleep in the chair. He would lay down, then 5 minutes later he’d pop up, yell “Hi, mommy!” and I’d respond with “Hi, Micah. It is time to go to sleep, lay down.” He’d say “Night, Night, Mommy,” lay down, and then in 5 minutes the routine would start all over again.

Finally, around 5 I brought Micah into our room, hoping the quiet would coax him into sleep. He would cuddle a few minutes…and then start his “hi” routine again. At 5:30, I tried turning my back to him to sleep. I think I managed to doze off for a bit, because I remember dreaming. I dreamt that I was petting a huge bulldog, who then turned into a pitbull. The pitbull had me pinned down, and its mouth was toying with me, on the verge of mauling me. In my dream, I had my hands up, protecting my face from harm. I remember calling out, opening my eyes, and realizing that the pitbull mauling me was Micah. It was 6:00, and I finally turned to Elliot (who had somehow slept through all of this) and told him that since he woke the beast at 4:30, and I’d been dealing with him for 2 hours, Micah was now his problem.

Elliot took Micah out to play for a few minutes, and then decided to just put him in his crib around 7. He screamed for about 10 minutes, and then finally fell asleep. I was thrilled – I fell asleep, too, only to be woken 15 minutes later by Maya. She fell back asleep nursing, and Micah slept until about 9, but it was a very rough night for us.

Megan took Micah to Kidville in the morning, and I met my father at the house in Potomac. He liked it, too, and it looks like the house will be ours. Thankfully, that part of our search should be over! I went up to Hopkins around 12:30, and I kept running into traffic. I finally arrived, and somehow managed to beat my parents there. We sat waiting for radiation, and luckily they were only about 30 minutes behind. While we were waiting, my mom said she wanted to write a post, so I started to jot down her message.

As I was writing, much to our amazement, Donna (my mom’s nurse at Hopkins) walked in to say hello! It was WONDERFUL to see her. We had a chance to catch up, and my mom told her she wanted to bring her with us back to Levindale. Donna stayed with us during our wait, and then returned upstairs when my mom was called back to radiation. We hung around for a bit after radiation to meet with the doctor, and then we caught the transport back to Levindale.

On my way back to Levindale, I took a little detour to Whole Foods. I called my mom’s friend Diane along the way to check on her husband, Joey, who had knee surgery today. I hear he is doing well – sorry, Diane, that I never called back – things got busy, but I’ll call today.

I forgot how much I love Whole Foods – I could spend forever shopping for wonderful foods, and then I start to remember all kinds of delicious things I used to cook. I think when my mom comes home, I am going to try and cook more – regular meals will be good for all of us, and I always did like cooking for a bigger group. At Whole Foods, I bought my mom Breyer’s Chocolate Ice Cream, among other things. When I returned to Levindale, we had a lovely chocolate snack!

My father left early (he had a 5:45 doctor appointment to check out his eye) and Jeremy arrived. Jeremy, Mom and I all hung out for a while. We actually even played a hand of gin rummy (definitely harder for mom than she realized – we’ll have to work on that). Jeremy helped mom with dinner, too, and I put away her clean laundry and set her up for the night.

While we were there, the endocrinologist stopped by to check on mom. I really liked him – we had a good conversation about my mother’s sugars, he adjusted the orders again, and he said he was aware that the nurses were not administering my mother’s insulin appropriately. We had a discussion about the problem, and he explained that because nursing homes do not watch patients all that closely, they tend to keep patients’ sugars on the high side. He felt Mom’s sugars were still too high, but he wasn’t sure that the nurses would ever administer the full dosage he prescribed, but he was working on it. I actually really liked him, and we talked about diabetes management when Mom returns home. He has several good ideas, and we may be able to reduce Mom’s insulin when she leaves.

I again talked to the doctor and the nurse coordinator about the lift and transfer issue. I pointed out that the OT policy was interfering with the doctor’s orders for my mother’s intestines, and that it was causing harm. I told them that she was again up all night, that we were receiving phone calls, and that I wanted the problem fixed by morning, or every time I got a call, so would they. We’ll see if that works – they actually seemed concerned this time. If I have to start paging them all night long, I will.

I left for home around 6, and made it back in good time. I quickly nursed the baby, and left Elliot with both kids to meet my friends Laurie and Jeff for dinner. I learned along the way that my father ran into Laurie at the doctor’s office! Funny – timing is everything. Dinner was nice – we had a chance to catch up a bit, and then I ran home. Maya was half asleep, but I nursed her again and she fell asleep.

Which brings us to this morning. Quiet night, except the baby woke up at 2:30. Micah is currently awake in his crib, but I’m pretending I don’t hear him yet. Oh well, it begins again.