One of the most challenging tasks we face as parents is handling our children’s nightmares and night terrors. As a parent, I struggle with feeling helpless when I see my child in distress. I want nothing more than to make it better and protect my child from those terrifying thoughts. As a sleep consultant, I often receive questions from parents asking what to do when they face nightmares and night terrors, and I see parents struggle with the consequences of some of their attempts to “make it better” for their child.
The first thing we must understand in order to help our children is the difference between night terrors and nightmares. It may surprise you to learn that they are not the same thing, although at first glance, they share many common characteristics. So, how can we differentiate between the two?
Night terrors are characterized by loud and intense crying our screaming that usually happens during non-REM sleep, in the early parts of the evening (generally within 1-3 hours after going to sleep). During a night terror, your child is not actually awake, and will not remember what is happening. A child having a night terror may be screaming or talking or calling out, but they do not seem to be fully there or recognize you. My daughter had a night terror once…it was absolutely terrifying! It happened about 1 1/2 hours after she fell asleep, when she was about 15 or 16 months old. It happened on a holiday – we had family in town, she barely had a nap that day, and I did not get her into her crib until after 8:30 at night. She was simply exhausted. She fell asleep almost immediately, but about 1 1/2 hours later, I heard this intense crying and shrieking. I went running up to her room, and she was standing up, eyes open, shrieking. I could tell immediately that she did not notice when I entered the room. I made the mistake of reaching for her initially, but it startled her and intensified the crying. I quickly realized it was a night terror, and I just sat with her, quietly offering shushes and supportive murmurs. All of the sudden, she seemed to “snap out of it” and look at me and called “Mommy.” At that time, I picked her up, calmed her down, and returned her to her crib. She immediately fell back to sleep, and slept through the night.
When a child is experiencing a night terror, it is actually best NOT to touch them or pick them up – as I learned firsthand, it can make the night terror more intense. Instead, calmly sit with your child, offer some very soft vocal comfort if you feel it helps. It should resolve on its own, and your child will return to sleep faster if not disturbed during the terror. Remember – the terror is scarier for you because your child is not aware it is happening and will not remember in the morning! Night terrors are most often caused by scheduling issues – insufficient daytime sleep, too late a bedtime, or too much time from the end of the last nap until bedtime. I know that after our night terror, I was extremely cautious about avoiding late nights for my daughter for quite some time.
Unlike night terrors, nightmares happen during REM sleep, more often in the middle of the night/early hours of the morning. They tend to happen more frequently as children develop creatively and can articulate their thoughts and fantasies. My son began experiencing more fears and nightmares when he was nearly 3 years old. He would wake up and tell me wild stories about monsters rising up to get him, or a bug in his room. Like my son, most children having a nightmare will usually wake and express their fears/concerns, and will remember what is scaring them. They do recognize us when we respond to them, usually immediately calling or reaching for us, and often telling us what is wrong.
Nightmares can be caused by insufficient daytime sleep or too late of a bedtime, and occasionally by foods we eat. Anxieties, and simple stories or things children hear or see may lead to nightmares, as may life stressors. To address nightmares, we must first work to improve their sleep routines (napping as appropriate, earlier bed times), and we can take steps to change their diet to avoid foods that may affect sleep. Most importantly, we can help our child feel secure and empowered. Often, giving them a way to express their fears or protect themselves from their bad thoughts can help! For us, we realized our son’s fear developed after we moved into a new house. After talking to him, I realized that when he slept with his door open, he couldn’t see the stairwell, and it made him feel like it was a big, black cavernous hole out there. We were able to put a soft light in the stairwell that allowed him to see the walls and the top of the stairwell when he looked out his bedroom door – defining the space for him made it less scary. He also loved the idea of magic, and had gotten a magic wand at a birthday party. We had him take his magic wand to bed for a while, and pick magic words he could say that would make any monsters disappear. Much to our chagrin, he picked the words “bugga bugga” (by the way…that is terrifying to hear yelled out over a monitor at 3:00 in the morning!). Other simple tips include:
- Providing a magic word or a phrase they can say to protect themselves
- Using an object to keep them safe (a lovey or a magic wand or a parent’s shirt)
- Discussing the fears and addressing what is scaring them
- For older children, leaving a pad of paper and writing implements near their bed so they can draw a picture of what is scaring them and rip it up or throw it away
- Work on meditation and relaxation techniques to help your child release any fears or anxieties
- Using “monster spray” around the room before bedtime to eradicate any monsters (either imaginary, or a water sprayer)
- Creating and posting “no monsters allowed” signs around the room where your child believes the monsters hang out
- Using a book (like The Kissing Hand) to help your child understand that you are nearby even when they cannot see you, and that your presence can help them feel safe through the use of a tool (like a kissing hand)
Please feel free to leave a comment and share any useful tips/tricks you found effective with your little ones!