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Maternity & Parenting Center

18 months

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Wow – I cannot believe how the last 18 months have flown by – my little man is now 18 months old!! Each and every day, he amazes me. I do have to say, I was certain he’d be a big brother already…perhaps soon!

We have not weighed or measured Micah in a while – I’d guess he is around 22 lbs right now, and maybe 34-35 inches tall. He is wearing 18 months (or 12-18 months) clothing and a size 5W shoes. We are still having issues keeping his pants on his skinny tush – so far, we can only wear the shorts that have adjustable tabs in the waist. We have not set up his 18 month checkup yet – I assumed that Twoey would be here, and we’d just bring Micah in at the same time we brought Twoey in for one of her appointments, so we will not have his stats for a little while still.

As for milestones, his language skills are increasing each and every day. He is repeating more words, and he seems to be using more and more words to communicate. He is even stringing a few words together (like “sit down” and “get out”). He does seem to be confusing a few words lately – apparently, “more” and “all done” seem to be synonymous. He also seems to be calling lots of people “Mommy” lately – it seems to be his word when he wants comfort from any person. He is also so loving and sweet – I just love how he gives hugs and kisses all the time.

Physically, he is very strong and seems to be developing as he should. He climbs on and off furniture and loves to sit on grownup chairs. He loves to play catch and throw his basketball. He loves using all of his different toys, and he runs around the house. He keeps trying to walk down stairs (I don’t think he is *quite* ready for that yet, though). He seems to do pretty well with some of the smaller steps (like the one leading out of our house). He LOVES to be outside, and he does everything he can to spend as much time as possible outdoors.

Here is some video I took a few days before Nugget died – we had a “playdate” with one of my best friend’s dog, Bentley. Micah was showing off his reading/talking skills and loving on Bentley:

We are still having a big challenge with eating – he gets very stubborn and picky at meal time. It is a big guessing game – what he will eat, how he will eat it, etc. One minute he’ll eat something and the next minute he is throwing it. Sometimes all it takes is handing him a fork, or putting some dipping sauce down for him. Other times, we have to get entirely different food for him. Lately, he wants to do things himself with food – sandwiches need to be whole, he wants the whole banana and the whole piece of chicken. He likes to hold the bag of raisins and eat directly out of that (or the cereal box or the cracker box). Often, I try to insist that he eat from his tray, but sometimes, it is just easier to give in to him. Sometimes, he just wants to eat out of a bowl or a plate like a “big boy.” We never know if he’ll eat a ton or practically nothing!

His sleeping habits are improving…he has been napping better and sleeping later again, but we’ve had a few mornings when he wakes up extra early. I think it is still related to teething (and his new bug bites) that are bothering him. Unfortunately, he has been a bit challenging to put down most nights and for naps – he has been crying a bit more lately. Luckily, he usually doesn’t cry that long, but I wish he wouldn’t get so upset!

As I mentioned, Micah seems to be plagued with some bug bites this week. He had a spider bite on his arm about 1 month ago, but this was different. On Thursday night, I noticed a small red bump on his leg when we were getting him ready for bed. I didn’t think much about it – it was fairly small and I figured it was no big deal. I checked it out in the morning before he left for daycare, and told Elliot to ask the daycare to keep an eye on it. On Friday night when we were bathing him and getting him ready for bed, the small red bump had turned into this:



It was very blistery – tons of tiny little blisters. I started to wonder if it was poison ivy or a spider bite. It did not look infected and it did not seem to be bothering Micah, so I cleaned it off with hydrogen peroxide, put some caladryl on it, and kept it covered. We also gave him some benadryl to help with the swelling and itching. I also noticed a small red bump on the bridge of his nose. When we woke up on Saturday morning, the bite on his leg looked much better. The bump on the bridge of his nose was more swollen – according to Elliot, he looked a bit like a Klingon from Star Trek! I called the doctor to see if we should bring him in to the office. She said that as long as his eye was not irritated and while the mark on his leg was not looking infected, streaking, or expanding in size, we should just keep doing what we were doing. We kept the bite on his leg covered and cleaned, and we did not pay too much attention to the bite on his nose. Micah went to services with his Daddy in the morning, took a VERY short nap, then we all went to the pool to play. After pool time, we visited my parents for dinner – my mom hadn’t see Micah in almost 1 month! I think this is the longest stretch she’d ever gone. We had a good night, and left after a few hours.

Sunday morning when Micah woke up, his left eye was practically swollen shut! I couldn’t tell if the bite from his nose was causing the swelling or if it was a new bite, but it looked terrible. We debated taking him to the emergency room, but his eye looked clear and he did not seem to be in any discomfort. We took some benadryl cream and put it on his eye. Elliot took him out for a few hours, and my dad came by and picked me up. Elliot, Micah, me, Jeremy, Jen, Paige and Peyton all met up around lunch time at my parents’ house to visit my mom. She is doing better, but still so wiped out. Micah spent the afternoon trying to talk to his cousins and chasing them around the house. They were so cute playing together!! I was actually impressed at how well he was playing and interacting with them. He kept trying to communicate with them, too. At one point, the kids were VERY quiet – I got worried something was wrong. I found them in the other room, with Paige showing Micah how to play with this set of nesting dolls. It was so cute to see them together! Peyton asked me where Nugget was…that was a tough conversation for me. She did not understand and kept asking why Nugget was gone. Over the course of the day, Micah’s eye improved dramatically. I think the cream helped, and the extra dosage of Benadryl at naptime probably didn’t hurt either.

Tonight, after dinner, Micah, Elliot and I went on a long walk into Bethesda (and I decided to stop at Ben & Jerry’s). I think I discovered where Micah is getting all of his bites – on his nightly evening walk! We are going to have to start covering him in the organic bug spray we have. I was hoping to kick things up on the walk and get this labor on the road. Well, it worked – I am contracting like crazy and I barely made it home. I’m sure it will stall out again, but I’m getting pretty fed up! I’m starting to worry I’ll end up OVERDUE after all of this! My system is still a mess, and I’m feeling terrible. I’m not sure this baby is EVER going to come out!!

I think I mentioned before that with Nugget gone, our house has been a mess. We counted on her to do a lot of our vacuuming. Well, we invested in a lightweight vacuum we are now using on a regular basis to clean up after ourselves. The first day we used it, Micah fell in love – he came running over, took control of the vacuum, and went to work. So, there is a new housekeeper in town!

Still Here

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Well, I’m still here…hanging in there. I cannot believe little Miss Twoey has not made her arrival yet!! I’ve been having fairly regular contractions for the past several days, and they’ve been about 2 minutes apart for the last 24 hours or so. I’m having a fair amount of pain and discomfort, and frankly, I’m ready to get this show on the road! We are about as ready as we are going to get – house is clean and in order, the necessities are washed, the car seat is in the car, the hospital bag is packed, and we are probably about as on top of our work as we are going to get. I should probably do about another month worth of work before labor hits, but hey, I’ve actually accomplished more than I expected so far. Now…if we could just come up with a name for Twoey!

This week has been a little better. My mom seems to be regaining her strength, and I’m trying to move forward with everything in my life, too. Yesterday was a good day with Micah. He woke up at 3:15 am screaming again, but he was laying down the entire time, so I decided to see if he could put himself back to sleep. Luckily, he was only awake about 15 minutes and then slept until about 7:30 or so. Still not perfect, but it was progress! Of course, I felt like a horrible mom the entire time for not going in to comfort him, but he was just upset, not hysterical, and I had a feeling that going in to his room would just make it all worse and have him up all night. I just don’t want him to develop a 3:00 am wake up habit and think that is snuggle time with mommy and daddy.

I haven’t been spending as much time on Tuesdays and Thursdays with Micah since our babysitter, Christin, started a few weeks ago. It has been a great opportunity for me to get some things accomplished and take care of myself, but…I have been missing my Micah time! So, I decided to take the morning (perhaps one of my last with only 1 child) and spend some time with Micah. For our morning activity, I scheduled a haircut for Micah. We walked over there, got his hair cut, and then stopped off at a park to play. Christin helped with the chasing, but we had a fun time together! He gave me kisses, and he seemed fascinated by the other children. He saw one boy drinking water from a bottle, and he wanted one, too, so I gave him his milk. Then, the boy started to eat one of those sippy pouches of fruit. Luckily, I had one on hand, and Micah downed that, too. He then seemed ravenous, so I gave him a cheese stick. Unfortunately, he was still hungry and was searching through the bags for more food. I happened to remember that the restaurant across the street has a kids’ performer and lunch every Tuesday, so we popped across the street. We missed the performer, but we were able to join in for the lunch special. Micah ate pita and hummus and a few french fries (okay, the fries are not super healthy, but he did already eat cheese, fruit and veggies before this, and I gave him whole wheat pita and hummus).

After lunch, the three of us headed back home. We immediately put Micah down for his nap and I went back to getting some work done. I was having horrible contractions and struggling with nausea, so the afternoon was a bit rough for me. Normally, Micah sleeps about 2.5- 3 hours. Naturally, 50 minutes after we put him down for his nap, the screaming began! I had Christin go get him, and I could hear that he was in a horrible mood.

I came upstairs to help out for a bit…and he was just a mess. I took him and hugged him for a while, but he was still yelling. I am fairly certain this is teething pain, but this has been going on quite some time. I decided to give him some Tylenol, and then I administered the next best medication I know…Sesame Street. I usually hate to use tv as a soothing device, but sometimes….well, it works. I flipped on the tv, Micah put his thumb in his mouth and curled up on top of me. After a little while, I scooted away from Micah (and let Christin sneak in to cuddle with him). I decided to make him some popsicles (I did 2 yogurt/applesauce and 2 applesauce) because I thought perhaps the cold would help his gums. I then went back downstairs and went back to work. I told Christin she should take him outside after the show ended – either for a walk or to play “basketball.” I heard them go outside, and I could hear Micah screaming a bit. I checked on him – apparently, he wanted to sit and play in the bike trailer, and probably wanted to go for a ride. They stayed outside for about 30-40 minutes, and then Christin brought him in because it was so buggy outside. Micah was protesting loudly, but he brought his basketball inside. I came upstairs to play with them for a bit. I made a “basket” with my arms and showed Micah he could play that way. He actually giggled! Then I showed him how to bounce the ball, which is apparently hysterically funny. He spent the next 40 minutes throwing and bouncing the ball.

Christin left at 5:00, and Micah and I continued to play. He started to get grumpy again and he was banging on one of the cabinets, so I assumed that meant he was hungry. Lately, feeding him has been a challenge. I offered him a cracker and he threw it on the ground. I gave him a graham cracker, and he smashed that in his hands and screamed. I asked him if he wanted cheese, and he shook his head “NO.” I asked if he wanted strawberries – again, I got a no. I opened the cabinet again and Micah lunged for the bag of raisins. I tried to give him a few raisins, but he threw a fit because he wanted to hold the bag and take the raisins out himself. I decided it wasn’t worth the battle, so I let him have the bag of raisins. He sat on the floor happily munching on raisins for a while, but then started to get upset again. I offered him some cereal (we struggled over the box – he just wanted to dump cereal from the box on the floor), and then I decided that I would just feed him dinner because it was almost 6. I pulled out some turkey for him – and he was throwing it back at me before I even got it on his tray. I cleared that off and offered him some kidney beans…and again, those hit the floor. At this point, I got a bit frustrated. I put some fish sticks in to cook and I went in search of something for Micah to munch on while we waited. The cereal flew, crackers were smashed, and there was much yelling and screaming. I cut up a few strawberries, and Micah went to town on those.

A little after 6, Elliot walked through the door. Thankfully, he took over feeding our grumpy little bugger. He figured out that Micah did want the kidney beans – as long as he could eat them with a fork. Micah also ate a few fish sticks, followed up by a peach. In the end, he had a very good dinner. After dinner, Micah started to get cranky again, so Elliot took him on a walk. Christin returned around 7:30 (we had to go to a new student meeting at the preschool), and I warned her that Micah might be difficult at bedtime. Elliot returned with Micah and we took off for the preschool meeting. It went well – we met several other parents whose children will be in class with Micah next year (it turns out, I already know two of them), and we received copies of all the forms we need to fill out and submit in the next few months. When we got home, we learned that Micah went to bed immediately…and much to our amazement, he slept soundly until 8:15 this morning (and played quietly in bed until 8:30).

Today has been rather uneventful – I had a rough night dealing with all the contractions, but apparently it was not enough to send me into full labor. I’m still contracting and uncomfortable, but no need to run to the hospital yet. Micah is at daycare and I have been focusing on getting some last-minute work done. I also ran out and met my mom and dad for lunch.

About 10 minutes ago, they called today from the crematorium…Nugget’s remains should be ready today. I just cried all over again. I am still missing that little stinker!! We went out and bought one of those little surface brooms – we have a lot of mess we need to start cleaning. I’m not ready to have that box of her ashes here…I guess I’ll just have to face that soon enough.

Adjusting

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I’m having a difficult time adjusting to life without my dog. It probably sounds crazy to you…especially those of you who do not have pets. I find myself looking for Nugget – unconsciously. I wake up in the night and notice she isn’t on the bed, so I sit up and search the room for her…until I remember that she is gone. I find myself glancing around the room and searching for her throughout the day, or checking my path as I walk to the bathroom to be sure I avoid tripping over her. I pause to hold the gate open as I go up the stairs to make sure that she can get through and follow me…only to realize that she isn’t there to follow me. I wake up at a noise in the early morning, and I peer over the edge of the bed, expecting Nugget to be there pawing at the side of the bed to tell me she is ready to get up and start the day. I miss her crazy “burrowing” that she does every morning when we all wake up, and her digging on the bed covers at night to make a comfortable spot for herself. I notice the odd silence (lack of jingling from her tags) and wonder what she has gotten into, and then remember why it is so quiet in the house. I find myself doing the defensive moves to rescue fallen food from the floor and grabbing stray dishes so that Nugget doesn’t have a chance to get in there and steal it…and then realize the food is safe now. Out of habit, I gave Micah a cheese stick earlier today and immediately picked him up and put him on the couch and started to stand guard so Nugget didn’t steal it from him – and then realized he could walk freely around the house (and even put the stick down on the coffee table) without any worries right now.
I’ve also learned that Nugget might have been the best housekeeper in this family – in the 3 days since her passing, this house has become a complete and utter mess! There are trails of crumbs and food all over the place – my carpet has never looked so disgusting! After 12 years, I have apparently developed horrible habits as well – I noticed today as I was eating a graham cracker and leaving a trail behind me that I had grown to rely on my furry little hoover who always stood right beneath me to catch my crumb trail. We are going to have to re-learn new habits, and quickly!
I have to say, I thought Micah would show more visible signs of missing Nugget. He doesn’t really seem to look for her or call her at all. I think he has already moved on, but perhaps that is for the best. In the next few months, we will be turning his world upside down – first, his dog is gone, next, we will be bringing a baby home, and then we will be moving from the only house he has ever known. I hope he is able to easily adjust.
In slightly better news, my mom was released from the hospital on Friday afternoon. I’m being a bit cautious about writing this out because we still never seemed to get a firm diagnosis and she is still not feeling great. Since Friday, she has been extremely tired. I understand sickness can wipe you out, but I’m still a bit worried – I would like to see her regain her energy again. She has a bunch of doctors appointments to go to this week, so perhaps we will get some more definitive answers. All we know is that she has been dealing with nausea and stomach issues, that she can eat and function while she is on a ton of anti-nausea meds, and they found fluid in her lungs so they told her it was pneumonia and put her on two antibiotics. They have not yet confirmed by xray that the fluid in her lungs has cleared up (in fact, it had gotten worse on Thursday). I’m hoping at least we can get that cleared up this week.
Micah was a bear to put to bed tonight – he fought and cried for about 45 minutes. We had to go back in a few times, but he just did not want us to leave him alone tonight. I guess I can understand that – some nights, I hate to leave him, too. Micah has been talking more and more every day. He has been stringing two words together (sit down, get out) at times, and he is repeating a lot of words. He has been loving tennis, and he dutifully cheered with me for Rafael Nadal as he won his 5th French Open title today. Every time Rafa hit the ball, Micah would raise his arms and yell “Go!” He saw an apple on my shirt today (I got it at the grand opening of an Apple Store years ago) and he spent the night pointing at it and saying “apple.” He seems to be repeating letters of the alphabet when we show them in a book or on some of the TV shows like Sesame Street and Between the Lions. He also seems to be recognizing some numbers. We have been counting backwards from 20 or 10 every time we change his diaper (he seems to enjoy it and it keeps him still until we get to 1 – not sure why, but it works). The last few days, he tries to count with us – he repeats some of the numbers, and a few times I even *think* he might have said a number or two with me!
As for me – well, I’m shocked this baby hasn’t arrived yet, but a little relieved because I’m not sure how I could handle it. I’ve been contracting every 4-5 minutes for most of the past few days. I’ve had periods when the contractions are stronger, but they do not seem to be converting into full-blown labor yet. I am having a lot of pain/discomfort from the baby when I stand, so I keep thinking we are close. I just hope after all this pre-term labor nonsense I don’t end up going PAST my due date! I really thought she would arrive today. My next guess is June 15, since that is the date for everything else…my parents’ anniversary, my brother’s birthday, and every few years it is Father’s Day, too. I really hope I have the baby this week, though – I have a conference I am supposed to present at on June 26!
So…I’m hanging in there. I’m feeling pretty down a lot – still having some random crying fits here and there. I really hope all of this pre-baby stress doesn’t turn into post-partum depression for me. I’m just worn down right now, and definitely feeling a little blue from everything. I am trying my best to pick myself up by my boot straps, though, but right now it is feeling like a challenge.

Goodbye, Nugget

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My dog died tonight. I’m not even sure where to begin, or exactly what to say. I’m still pretty shocked and devastated. As you all know, we found out in early April that she was suffering from congestive heart failure. I knew her time was limited…but somehow I thought we had more time. They stabilized her on medication, and all seemed to be going well. On May 24, I noticed that Nugget’s breathing was a bit more labored and she was coughing a tad. I took her in to the vet, and he confirmed that fluid was backing up in her lungs again. At that point, I knew that if we could not maintain her for even 6 weeks on medication, her time was likely limited.

The vet increased her Lasix and sent her home. Over the next days, she seemed much better. She was coughing less frequently, and her breathing seemed to ease up a bit. I brought her in for a re-check the following Wednesday, and the vet decided to keep her on the higher dose of Lasix until this week. She was due for a re-check again this week, but I had noticed her breathing was a bit more labored again and she was waking up in the morning with a cough. I was fairly certain that they would not be reducing her medication as hoped, and I wondered if she would need an even higher dose of medication or a trip back to the cardiologist.

I took Nugget to the vet around 1:30 today. He noted that she had a slight fever, and suggested that he keep her overnight (at his house) and monitor her. He felt that she likely had an infection and he wanted to keep track of her and put her on antibiotics and monitor her breathing and coughing. I gave him a whole list of information about my dog…how she steals food, that she is deaf, and I warned him about all the trouble she was likely to cause him. After giving him my laundry list, I reluctantly agreed to leave her and headed back home without my dog. I called up around 3:30 to confirm that she still had a fever. The doctor spoke to me and said he really thought she had a mild infection and he thought from her breathing and lack of coughing that she was stable and fine. Elliot went to pick her up right around 5:00 pm.

I was thrilled to have Nugget home again, but as she sat here, I became convinced she was not doing well. Her breathing seemed very labored, and I definitely thought it almost sounded like a rattle. She sounded as awful as she did that night I brought her to the emergency hospital. Around 6:30 or so, I told Elliot that I thought I should bring Nugget to the hospital. He thought I should give the antibiotics more time to work. We debated a bit, and then I decided that I’d feed her dinner early and give her pills a bit early and see if that improved her breathing.

I went to give her the chewable pill…and she refused it. I immediately knew she was quite sick. I got the rest of her pills and put them in her mouth – she refused to swallow them, and then she threw up. At this point, Elliot confessed to giving her some fatty meat from his lamb ribs, and I was so angry. I managed to get the meds in her, but she still refused to eat. Micah was being really cranky and making a ton of noise and agitating the dog, so I asked Elliot to take him out for a bit so that I could try and calm Nugget back down again.

Nugget just seemed lethargic and restless at the same time. She wouldn’t sit still, but I kept thinking she was unsteady and seemed off. I called Elliot and told him I was going to the hospital, and he asked me to wait until he and Micah returned. They came back around 7:15 or so. Elliot was convinced that Nugget was doing better and I should wait a bit and see if she was feeling better after vomiting. I noticed that Nugget was not running from Micah, and she just sort of stayed in one place. I agreed to wait until Elliot put Micah to bed before I left for the hospital.

Elliot took Micah upstairs a few minutes after 8. Nugget had moved to the foot of the steps and sort of sprawled out, and Micah had been rolling around and kissing and hugging her just before bed. I kept thinking Nugget was giving me these “help me mommy” looks all night, and I was worried that she was not eating dinner and not trying to run from Micah. I planned on leaving immediately, but Elliot asked that I wait so he could send us off. I think I waited because I knew that it might be his only chance to say goodbye.

He came down around 8:15 or 8:20, and I had Nugget on a leash. She wouldn’t walk herself outside, and I knew it was not a good sign. I picked her up, and she vomited again…but this time, there was some watered down blood. I just knew that the night wasn’t going to end well. Elliot quickly grabbed a cloth diaper for me to take with us, and I carried Nugget to the car. I placed her on the seat next to me, and she didn’t even try to move into a more comfortable position – she just stayed exactly as I placed her. I started the drive to the vet, and about 2 blocks into the drive, she vomited again – she didn’t even try to move out of the vomit. I was watching the dog when I suddenly realized I’d veered across 3 lanes of traffic and nearly killed us both. I then stayed focused on the road and kept one hand on Nugget. She was very still and breathing very shallow and heavily. She was making choking sounds and she spit up a few more times. I just knew she would never make it to the hospital.

The hospital is about 3-4 miles away. We were about 1 mile or so into the drive when Nugget started to get quieter. The rattling sound stopped, and her breathing remained shallow but slowed. I started to cry because I knew she was dying. I kept telling her to hang in there and begged her not to die. I told her that I loved her. Her breathing continued to slow and there were long pauses between her breaths. She stopped blinking her eyes, and she twitched a few times. I then realized that the pauses between her breaths were just too long. And then I didn’t feel any more breaths at all. At this point, I was a little more than halfway to the hospital. I stopped at a light, and I just knew she had died. I started to wail and sob uncontrollably. I could barely see in front of me. I took my hand off of Nugget and grabbed my cell phone to call Elliot. I couldn’t even speak, I was just sobbing.

A few minutes later I arrived at the hospital. I was sobbing so loudly and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I walked around to the passenger side of the car and scooped Nugget up into my arms. I walked inside, wailing and sobbing. When they asked me what was wrong, I simply said “I think my dog just died.” They took her from me and they took her in the back…and confirmed that Nugget died.

The rest is sort of a blur…talking about cremation or asking me if I wanted to bring her body back home. I asked if I could see her again and say goodbye. They brought her in to me, and she lay on the table, wrapped in a blanket. She was still warm and her fur was so soft. If I didn’t know better, I could almost believe she was just sleeping. I kissed her goodbye and I stroked her fur for a few minutes. Someone came in to talk to me some more about my choices, and I’m not really sure what I said. Cremation is something I do not believe in (religious reasons), yet…I couldn’t see how I would take her body home with me. I don’t know where I would bury her (in our small backyard that we will be tearing apart soon for renovations, not to mention that I kind of hate the house and hope to sell it one day? At my parents’ house? At my cousins’ farm?) I kept imagining her rotting in the heat in the car overnight because I didn’t know what to do with her. I couldn’t exactly put her on the couch until morning, or carry her up to our bed, or keep her in the fridge until I figured out what to do either. And then I imagined Elliot with a shovel in the dark trying to dig out a grave. All of the options just seemed so awful to me – it was almost laughable. Part of me wanted to look into a pet cemetery…but I think the cost for maintaining a grave is a little crazy, too. I was just in such shock. I could have told them to hold on to her body until I decide, too, but I just didn’t think it would get easier to decide later.

All I’ve been able to think about is that I really didn’t take advantage of the time I had left with Nugget. I should have cuddled with her more, and paid more attention to her. I was content to just let her be – rest and sleep and not interact with her sometimes. Even tonight, when she kept looking at me with those sad eyes, I spent a lot of the night just watching her, letting her be by herself. I checked my computer, I made some phone calls, and I read books to Micah. I should have picked her up and held her, or curled up next to her on the floor to pet her. I hope she knew I was concerned and that she didn’t feel alone.

The hardest part was walking away with her sitting there on that table, wrapped in the blanket. I just left my baby alone there. I felt horrible that, even though she died, her body was alone. It started to feel really morbid to stay with her and touch her, but I hated to just leave her like that. And yet, I did. My Nugget is gone, and right now, she is sitting alone at that animal hospital. And I’m sending her to be cremated, and that just seems horrible to me, too.

I have never really believed in a “heaven” – I like the thought, but it just isn’t part of my belief system. Tonight, I hope I’m really wrong about that, and I hope that Nugget has found my Grammy up in a heaven somewhere – I know how much my Grammy loved her, and they would take great care of each other. So, I hope Nugget is happily snuggled in Grammy’s lap, maybe stealing food from the snack bowl. But…I just miss her, and wish I had more time with her. I always thought she’d live to a ripe old age. I wanted Micah to spend more time with her, and I wanted her to continue to be our family hoover. I wanted Nugget to meet Twoey, and I wanted Twoey to develop a love for dogs because of Nugget’s presence in the house. But, most of all, I wanted to keep my first baby with me as long as I could. Nugget has been with me for 12 years…from law school graduation, through my first legal job, through unemployment and starting my business, through bad relationships, through a good relationship, through marriage and through a baby. For many years, she was THE reason I got up in the morning and got myself out of bed. She is the first thing I think about when I wake up in the middle of the night, and she has been my focus for so long. I just feel like there is this big, gaping hole in my heart…and my life.

It’s French Open Time!!

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I am an avid tennis fan…and I’m so excited to be watching the French Open again! Personally, I’m in love with Rafael Nadal, and I truly despise Roger Federer. I’m so glad to see Rafa back in top form and ready to reclaim his title (that Federer won last year by default). I also still love watching Andy Roddick…but clay just isn’t his surface. As for the women…I hate Justine Henin, and I’m definitely rooting for the Williams sisters.

This afternoon (after his nap), Micah came downstairs to hang out with me for a bit – he took one look at the tennis on the tv and broke out into a huge grin. He started pointed at the screen and clapping, and saying….”bah-ball.” Yes, according to Micah, all balls, and all games played with a ball, are, by definition, basketball. Okay, we’ll have to work on that part, but he did love watching tennis. He sat snuggled up with me and we watched Roddick play today. He screamed “Whoa” when they hit the ball, and “boom” when the ball hit the net. He clapped when they scored points, and he screamed with joy when the players got into nice long rallies. Yes, I think I’m grooming a tennis fan, much to his daddy’s chagrin. His daddy was so worried that he removed Micah from the tennis and took him grocery shopping.

This morning, the babysitter came to help take care of Micah. She arrived at 9:00 this morning, but could only stay until 1:00. She fed him breakfast and got him dressed, took him to play at the park, fed him lunch then put him down for a nap. During that time, I managed to pack my hospital bag, shovel out the bedroom from a bunch of junk, and make Elliot clean up his junk, too. It feels so much better to have made a dent in the mess. I also got a bunch of work done. I really like having the extra help around right now!

I’m still having pretty constant contractions. The more I do, the worse they get. I’m very interested to find out whether I’ve made any progress since last week…but I doubt it. We shall see – my appointment is at 1:45 tomorrow.

Yesterday, I took my dog to the vet – her breathing was very labored again, and her hacking cough had returned. I was fairly certain that fluid was backing up in her lungs again. The doctor examined her and agreed. The good news was that there was only *some* fluid in her lungs. He decided to double her dosage of Lasix for the next two weeks. If she does well, then he will try to reduce the dosage again and see if she will maintain that way. I am supposed to take her back for another re-check either Wednesday or Friday.

Micah has been talking up a storm lately. He is starting to put words together (like “Hi there”). He knows a bunch of body parts (head, foot, belly, tongue, mouth, nose, eyes). He is saying the word “more” now (he used to just sign it), and he definitely says “hi” and “bye-bye” all the time. He is recognizing animals more and more, and he knows a bunch of the sounds animals make – his favorites are “quack” and “moo.” He loves to watch the birdies, and he is still a huge kissy-monster. He climbs all over the furniture and runs laps around the house.

I have to say, I am going to miss this time with Micah as my only child. I’m so excited to meet Twoey and get to know her, and I’m excited to see Micah become a big brother. But, at the same time, I sometimes wish I had more time with just Micah as my only focus. I love how we snuggle, and I love our time alone together in the mornings. I adore him – I truly think he is the cutest, sweetest thing that ever walked the earth, and I am just filled with love for him. I know I will love Twoey every bit as much as Micah, and I know there will be plenty of room in my life for both of them. But, this time with just Micah is special, and in a way, I know it will be a loss for both of us – it will never again be just the two of us, and I guess I’m sorry that I can’t give more of this special time to him.

I saw this posted online this week, and it really struck me…I think it articulates many of my fears about expanding our family, and perhaps my hope for how it will be:

Walk along holding your 4-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me.” And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t,” knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him—as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you—only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you—-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

Piano Man

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I think it has been a while since I’ve done a “substance” post, so here goes! When I last left you, Elliot was out of town. Things went much better than I expected, actually. Micah slept in late on Tuesday…but the dog was up at 5:30 am. Since her heart problems started, she has been having issues holding her bladder and she gets very anxious for her food/pills about 1-2 hours before it is time. I think she knows they make her feel better and they start to wear off around the 10 hour mark. I’m working on this, but there isn’t much I can do!

On Tuesday, I had hoped to take Micah to a free musical performance and story hour at White Flint Mall, followed by a train ride, but the cleaning lady showed up pretty late. Unfortunately, we missed the musical performance and the story hour, and the thought of heading to the mall just to take Micah to the train ride seemed…daunting. I was afraid he wouldn’t sit still and I’d be chasing him by myself around the mall and fighting him about leaving. So, I chickened out and decided to save that for another day…with help. Instead, I called up my parents and asked if they wanted to meet us for lunch! Micah and I drove over to pick up my mom up from the college and my Dad joined us a bit later. We just ate at noodles and company, and we had a good time. I have to say, it is so much easier on me now that Micah will eat pasta! After lunch, Micah took a nice nap. When he woke up, we watched an episode of Between the Lions, played a bit, and then I fed him dinner. Elliot surprised us by actually making it home before bedtime, so the day was a breeze.

On Wednesday, I spent the day downtown at a work meeting. It was actually good to “see and be seen” and I may have found a few additional jobs for the next year. We shall see how that pans out. I’d like to try and line everything up before Twoey arrives.

On Thursday morning, Elliot, Micah and I headed off to an ultrasound. We had a snafu with child care for Micah (honestly, I forgot to make arrangements in advance and our “go-to” babysitter was busy) so we brought him along. Twoey was great (and Micah behaved, too)! The appointment was quick, with very little news to report. She is still head down, and now turned in “birthing position” facing my back. That probably explains the back pain I’ve been experiencing, the change in my contractions, and all the extra pressure on my bladder. Her heart rate was perfect, and then we learned one other fun piece of information…she has hair! The ultrasound tech thought she had A LOT of hair, so Twoey may come out with as much hair as Micah. I’m going to be prepared – I’m going to buy one of those little clippy bows so we can take a picture of her with a bow clipped on her beautiful locks! Elliot made sure to ask the tech if she could tell the color of her hair (my mother is DYING to know if this baby will be a redhead), but the tech was decidedly uncooperative (ha!). Once she realized we were just teasing (we obviously know you cannot tell color from the ultrasound) she announced that it looked white on the screen (as hair always does). I said I knew premature grey hair ran on my mom’s side of the family – poor baby! So, hair color (and true quantity) will still be a surprise, but there is hope that Twoey will have luscious locks like Micah.

After the ultrasound, I hosted a mini “playgroup” at our house – I invited a few of the other parents who are normally in our Thursday class (we are on hiatus for another week). Only one was able to come over, but the boys played together for a few hours. Well, I should say they mostly played independently, but occasionally Micah was not so nice to Alex. He does not like to share his toys, and he can scream if others get too close and he will sometimes fight for toys. We’re working on it, but I feel like we are not making much progress. The good news is that by the end of the playdate, Micah was walking over to Alex and hugging and kissing him. It was adorable! Of course, Alex looked quite perturbed and a bit frightened – he had that “Weren’t you just beating me up and now you are kissing me?” look on his face.

Friday was another work day, but somehow things just seem so hectic right now. I’ve been working on getting a proposal done, and I’ve been trying to wrap up a bunch of deliverables before the baby arrives. In addition, we’ve been trying to figure out how to handle these renovations. We are currently over budget (not a shock, right)? I could post a whole separate post just about the renovations (and probably should) but the short version is we hired a builder to keep us on budget. We did expand our project, he told us dollar amounts for the things we were adding, we felt we could afford it, and then he came back with the final total cost and it was significantly higher than his numbers led us to believe it would be. Every time we try to cut things back out, the price doesn’t seem to drop. So, we are at an impasse right now. Because of the delays, we no longer think we can move back into my condo during the renovations. My condo really only has 2 bedrooms (3 if you count the downstairs room). We thought that would be fine while the baby was small, but now she might be 2 or 3 months old when we move, and we really feel she needs her own room upstairs now. So, we are in a mad dash to get my place on the market and hope it sells before we need to rent a place. What a mess! We are both pretty pissed we’ve held on to the condo all this time to not even live in it again, but what can we do now?

On Saturday, our friends Niki and Eric hosted a party at their house. It was a ton of fun – they have a fantastic back yard with swings and toys, and they put out sprinklers and baby pools for the kids. We snacked and socialized and played all afternoon, and it was really a fun day. I actually ran into an old co-worker there – her daughter and my friend Niki’s son are in preschool together. Micah loved the slide and playing basketball, and he loved the snack table..he personally ate all the goldfish, the animal crackers, and half the fruit platter! There was also a climb-in Thomas the Tank Engine that Micah loved riding. Eventually, we moved inside, and Micah spent about an hour playing on a piano! He has seen and used toy pianos before, but he had never had the opportunity to play on a real piano. He was sitting on the bench, banging away – and I have to say, it even sounded somewhat melodic! I think he might just have some musical talent in there. Time got away from us, and we had to do a mad dash home around 8:15 pm. We literally threw Micah into the tub for a quick rinsing (he was so dirty from being outside all day!) and then plopped him into bed.

Sunday was another crazy day for us. Micah woke up extra early, and it was a long morning. We were trying to get things in order and keep him entertained, but he was really cranky. We tried putting him down for a nap around 1, and the little bugger woke up screaming at 2! I think he has more teeth coming in (not that he lets me into his mouth to inspect). We had no luck getting him back to sleep, so Elliot decided to take him outside for a walk and to run errands. I guess I lost track of time while they were out (I was trying to get some work and cleaning done). They did not arrive home until almost 4, and I suddenly realized I still needed to shower and we were supposed to be at a picnic for Micah’s daycare already! We did not make it there until about 5, but we had a nice time. There was pizza, some activities, and good music. Micah was playing with a soccer ball most of the time, and he had fun wandering all over the field and getting into trouble.

Yesterday (Monday), Micah started off the morning in daycare, but we pulled him out early because we had his follow-up appointment with the ophthalmologist. One funny story – apparently, when they changed his diaper, he looked at the caretaker and said “stinky.” That is what we always say when he poops – I tend to say “stinky, stinky Mr. Micah.” Funny – it never dawned on me that he would pick it up! Anyway, Micah’s appointment went quite well, although we were waiting forever to be seen. Micah was excited about the Cars movie on the screen – he kept saying car and vroom vroom. He also grabbed a Thomas the Tank Engine book and wanted us to read that to him (we may have a new obsession we will have to “feed.”) The good news is his optic nerve still looks great, and there is no sign of any swelling or pressure in his brain. So, surgery for the craniosynostosis is still unnecessary. The other good news…Micah does not need glasses (for now). He definitely is far-sighted, but it is not outside the range of normal for children. The bigger concern is that there is at least a half diopter difference between his two eyes, which *could* be a sign that he is developing amblyopia (lazy eye) – which I have. For now, the doctor just wants to continue monitoring things. He feels that he can see well enough for walking and learning. We do not have to go back for another year! He would also suggest bringing the baby in when she is about a year old, so I’ll bring the two of them in together next year.

One new problem that has cropped up this week…I think Micah is a bit too attached to television. I usually only have him watch 30 minutes – 1 hour of educational television a day (all PBS shows). He usually does not ask for the tv, but if he sees the remote he sometimes climbs on the couch and fusses indicating he wants to watch tv. BUT, if we put on his show for 30 minutes, he gets VERY upset when it ends. Tempertantrum kind of upset. He kicks and screams and throws his head back and points and fusses. It is quite a sight! I try to distract him, and I do not give in and let him get more television as a reward for that behavior, but I really hate that he is starting to do this. I’m hoping it is a phase and that he will learn that when the show is over, tv is finished. I really only put it on at times when he is a bit cranky/clingy, or if I need to keep him busy while I prepare his food for dinner or before bed time. I also find that when he is getting really wild and destructive, the tv is a good way to get him to calm down and focus and relax. We sing songs with the tv, go over the letters and words, and I do think he is learning from these shows. The other time it comes up – in the mornings and evenings, Elliot likes to watch the news. If Micah sees the tv on and it isn’t his show, he has started getting mad and tries to force us to put on his show. My solution for that has been shutting the tv off. If we cannot have it on at all, then that is what we will have to do.

The emperor’s new shoes

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On Monday, I FINALLY managed to buy Micah a new pair of shoes. We bought his first pair back in January, and I have suspected for the past few weeks that they were a bit on the small side. Around here, there are two major places most people buy shoes – one is Stride Rite, and the other is Shoe Train. Unfortunately, with our schedule, it has been a challenge trying to find the time to get to either shoe store with Micah to have him measured and fitted again. I stopped by Stride Rite on my own last week to “scope out” the options and prices. Elliot and I also pulled a moron move on Sunday…we tried to go shoe shopping on Sunday afternoon (not really thinking that the stores would be closed for Easter Sunday). Needless to say, our Sunday outing was a failure.
I had forgotten that daycare was canceled on Monday for an administrative day. Originally, I had planned to either take Micah to a makeup class at Kidville or meet up with friends for a playdate. With everything that has been going on with Nugget, family visits and the renovations, I did not even remember that we had no daycare coverage for Monday. We woke up Monday and started getting Micah dressed and ready to go. I pulled out the school lunch menu to see if we needed to substitute any food for lunch (because of Passover), and there, written in black and white, “NO DAYCARE – ADMINISTRATIVE DAY.” I couldn’t believe I had totally blanked on the cancellation! Micah was even getting ready – he tried to take the diaper bag with him!
I knew that it was too late for me to take Micah to a morning makeup class at Kidville since most of the classes start at 10:00 am and it was already 9:15. Instead, I spent an hour or so playing with Micah and then sent him with his daddy to synagogue. While they were out, I worked on finishing the cleanup from the weekend, putting the house back in order, and took care of a few business phone calls. When they came home from synagogue, Micah took a nice long nap – over three hours!
I think we have now successfully transitioned to only one nap a day instead of two. We are still trying to figure out the perfect time to put him down in the afternoons. He tends to start getting sleepy and cranky around 11 or 11:30, but if we let him take his nap then, he gets pretty cranky in the evenings before bedtime. If we try keeping him awake until 1 or 1:30, he gets cranky mid-day, but he is in a great mood in the evenings before bed. Micah usually wakes up in the mornings between 8 and 8:30, and he goes to bed at night between 8 and 8:30. He likes to nap for about 3 hours, so ideally, 1:00 is the “halfway” point in the day. Hopefully, over the next few weeks he’ll get used to staying awake that long in the morning and we’ll find our ideal nap time. One nap a day really seems to free up our days and make scheduling MUCH easier!
Once Micah woke up from his afternoon nap (I think it was about 3:30 or 4), I decided to take Micah to Stride Rite. Online, they were having a great sale. Much to my disappointment, the online sale was not happening in the store. We did find two great pairs of shoes, and they were less expensive than last time around. I decided to buy him one pair of sneakers (white with blue and grey), and a pair of sandals. The sandals are a soft brown suede/leather with fairly covered toes and a few cutouts around the sides, tops and ankles. They seem so much more comfortable for him! I also had the representative check Micah’s current shoes to confirm if they still fit. It’s official…he has now outgrown his first pair of real shoes! The two new shoes we bought were a 5 wide. The sales clerk felt his feet were no longer extra wide (yay!! much easier for buying shoes (there are very few options available in extra wide), but wide shoes still generally require specialty stores).
When I got home, I checked out Stride Rite online. While they had a bunch of really cute shoes on sale (with free shipping if I bought two pairs), none of the shoes I liked came in Micah’s size. So, I gave up on bargain hunting for the day.
On Tuesday, we headed off to music class, and right after class I decided to stop off at Shoe Train to see if they were running a sale or had any less expensive options available for us. It was a mob scene there! I talked to the clerk and he said they were not running any sales. I quickly scanned the shelves, saw there was nothing less expensive available, so we just left. We got home, Micah took a nap and unfortunately, was rudely awoken prematurely by a loud banging from an unwanted solicitation at our front door. Once I got him calmed back down, Elliot and I decided to take him over to the park (since it was a GORGEOUS day outside). Micah ran around the park, used the swing, went up and down the slides, and played with a steering wheel. He had a blast! We brought him home nice and tired and he actually cooperated and took another 45 minute nap. Here are some photos of Micah enjoying himself at the park:
















And some video of Micah swinging:
The past two days, Micah has added another new word to his vocabulary: baby! I’m not yet sure he understands what it means, but he is saying it (and he did say it when watching Sesame Street and Elmo was talking to a baby). Sometimes, he even says it when he touches my belly. It is pretty cute. I bought him a book last week about being a big brother, so I think we need to work on reading that to him as often as we can. Someone also suggested I get him a doll to practice being gentle and to show him feeding/caring/helping with a baby, and I think that is a great idea, too. I cannot believe that Twoey could be here in another 6-7 weeks (and probably within the next 9 weeks).
This morning, Micah woke up a bit on the early side. I changed his diaper and decided to bring him downstairs for breakfast in just his diaper. I gave him his milk and set out his clothing for the day. He saw the brand new sneakers, and he started yelling and hitting them and throwing them. I started to worry that Micah was unhappy to see new shoes. I tried giving him the sneakers to hold and touch, but he seemed angry and frustrated. Then he started holding his feet up to me, and I realized he wanted to put his new sneakers on his feet! So I happily obliged and put on his clean socks and his brand new sneakers. That little stinker danced and bounced around the house in his diaper and brand new shoes. He was sooo funny!

Nugget is hanging in there, but we are having some issues with incontinence (because of her new medications). She has peed in the house two times so far, but our biggest issue is that she tends to pee when she sleeps (particularly overnight). Elliot thought he had a brilliant idea to solve this problem:

Yes, that is one of Micah’s pampers on the dog. Well, she woke me up at 5:00 am to go outside – and the diaper was missing, so I think Nugget has other plans.

Uh oh

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Tonight I was feeding my son dinner. He was covered from head to toe in food and making a huge mess, and then the most offensive, loud sound I think I’ve ever heard exploded from his behind. I swear it nearly sent him 2 feet up in the air! Just to give you a clue, it was like an explosion of gas and poop and who knows what else. Anyway, when it was all finished, I looked at him and said “what on earth was that?” and he promptly said “uh-oh.”

I about DIED…he is right – it really is an uh oh. Good thing we are headed to the bath tub in 5 minutes.

In other news – any tips for keeping a child out of the dog’s food bowl? I find him trying (and sometimes succeeding) to eat her food all the time. And he likes to play in her water (and sometimes try to stick his face in and drink it). I’m constantly telling him no and pulling him away!

Another cute development – Micah has started pointing at the different things in the pictures in the books we read (he’ll point to the bubbles and say “bubble” or he’ll point to different animals). He is definitely signing dog and duck and he says “quack quack” sometimes (okay…it actually sounds more like “cock” when he quacks, but he is definitely quacking).

And tonight, he kissed the phone and waved at it when we were speaking to his Grampy. Usually, he waves or he just likes to push the buttons and make noise, but this is definite progress! I’d like him to be able to talk to ALL his family members – most of the time, he just gets shy. He has aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents who are all looking forward to hearing from him on the phone!

Not a good day

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Today has been an awful day. Actually, it started late last night. We had family in town for the holiday (I’ll talk about this some other time), and after dinner I noticed that Nugget was sitting on the floor and panting pretty hard. I checked her closely, and it didn’t seem like she was in any significant distress. Over the course of the evening, I kept watching her, and her labored breathing and panting continued. We called the emergency hospital, and based on their recommendations we decided not to bring her to the hospital. Over the course of the night, we called the hospital a few more times to ask questions about when we should worry. Right before we went up to bed, she refused to eat her food (and my dog NEVER skips out on food). I started to get especially concerned. At 4:30, Nugget woke up with a coughing/hacking sound and seemed very restless. She was no longer able to sleep, and she was back and forth between the bed and the floor every few minutes. Her panting was still fast and labored, neither one of us was sleeping, so I decided to just take her to the emergency hospital and make sure she was okay. I actually thought she was having a hair ball issue like last year, but that maybe it was blocking her breathing in some way.

Long story short…she is in congestive heart failure. There is fluid filling up in her lungs, and they put her in an oxygen tent and on diuretics to try and reduce the fluid and make her breathe more comfortably. The cardiologist is coming in to the office today and will examine her and run an echocardiogram. Based on that, we should know if her heart problem will be manageable with drugs or if this is it for her.
I left her at the hospital at 6:00 am to come home. I’ve checked on her several times, but I really don’t feel like they are keeping me sufficiently updated. I may just get in my car in a bit and drive back over there to get some answers if someone does not call me back soon.
When I got out to the car…I noticed that there was a HUGE dent in the front bumper. It was my husband’s car I was driving, and because of the location of the dent and the way I was parked, I’m fairly certain it must have happened the other day (on Sunday). So, on top of the fortune we are spending to try and save my dog, repairing the car will cost another small fortune. Oh…and I spoke to my midwife when I got home this morning, and it turns out that I failed my one hour glucose test (that I took on Friday). Yup – not good news. I’ve decided not to bother with the 3 hour test – I’ll just go on the gestational diabetes diet and monitor my sugar with the finger pricks (as appropriate).
So…can I crawl back in bed and hide? I still have to cook dinner for 8 tonight, and all I want to do is curl up and cry. Please no more bad news today.

Everybody loves to share

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Micah and Nugget are becoming great friends – they love to share things like food and toys. Really, neither one of them seems to understand that they each have different toys and food. Micah is always stealing Nugget’s alligator and frog, Nugget is always trying to steal Micah’s food, and today she made off with Elmo. She growled and shook him as Elmo cried out “Hahahaha!” and “Elmo loves it!” Micah found this too funny and laughed and laughed. When he finally regained possession of Elmo, he, too, put Elmo in his mouth. I have a feeling the dog and Micah will be swapping spit many times in the next few years. Does it make me a bad mom that I just don’t have the energy to be disgusted by this anymore?