identity

I think I used to be fun

April 9, 2009 by Jessica

As the title of this post says, I think I used to be a lot of fun. I really don’t sleep, so I was always willing to spontaneously run out and go wherever, any hour of the day or night. Bored and want to play pool? Call Jessica, she’ll come meet you! Interested in staying out all night and dancing? Call Jessica, she’ll come along! Need to just chat on the phone about work/boyfriend/date/crazy night . . . call Jessica, she’ll pick up any time! Want to go for a walk at 3:30 because the weather is nice . . . call Jessica, she never makes plans in advance and will almost always drop everything to get out of the house and procrastinate. Looking for company to get a massage or a manicure? You get the picture. Interested in going shopping . . . okay, that was never my bailiwick. For that, you should probably call my father.

I used to travel a lot – all over the world. I’ve been to over 35 states and more than 14 countries. I always had a trip planned or in the works. For our honeymoon, we went to Africa. I’ve been all over Europe, on cruises, and all around the Caribbean. I am a foodie, and I have eaten in some of the best restaurants around the country. I love going to the movies, seeing shows, going up to New York to catch Broadway shows, and attending concerts.

All of this is to say that I do not think I am fun or interesting anymore. Getting out is a challenge, I have no idea the next time I will be going on a non-work vacation, and the only thing I think when the phone rings after 8:00 pm is “I hope that doesn’t wake Micah.” When I hear about parties, I think it sounds like too much trouble. When I get a call to go on a walk, I think “do I have enough time to go before I have to feed Micah?”

I really miss being fun sometimes. I wouldn’t trade a second of my time with Micah, but it does make me wonder if I will ever be fun again.

The things they don’t tell you

March 4, 2009 by Jessica

At the risk of sounding as if I’m complaining about motherhood, I am about to blog about all the things “they” don’t tell you about motherhood. Make no mistake – I LOVE my Micah, and I LOVE being a mommy. Micah is absolutely adorable, and I’m constantly amazed by how he is growing and developing. He has the most wonderful smile – every time I see it light up his face, my heart melts.

So . . . back to the point of my blog – the things they don’t tell you about having a baby.

BREASTFEEDING. I’ve mentioned this a bunch of times, but breastfeeding is not easy. Let’s start with the fact that latching should be easy, but it isn’t always. Then, factor in issues of supply. Then move on to the demand factor – you have to be the one completely available to your little one 24 hours a day to provide for his/her eating needs. When you are exhausted, or overwhelmed, or sick, YOU still have to be the primary one responsible for feeding your baby. It is an enormous responsibility, and there is very little feedback to reassure you that you are doing it right. Taking time off? Not really an option – even if you step away, you still have to make sure to pump enough to keep the supply up. I think bottle-feeding moms really do have an advantage because they gain far more independence and can much more easily share this responsibility with a spouse.

PLAYING. It sounds strange, but I’m never sure that I am playing with Micah enough . . . or stimulating his brain development sufficiently. Sometimes it is hard to figure out what to do, and I always feel like I am not doing enough. Other times, I just want to sit quietly with him, and I wonder if I’m wasting precious moments when I should be teaching him something. I have no idea whether we are supposed to fill every waking second (when they are not eating) with learning.

IDENTITY. I blogged about this before, but I really feel like I’ve lost myself a bit. My whole life now revolves around this little tiny life, and sometimes I feel like I’ve lost me. I’m working hard to find me again and re-establish that balance, but it is much harder than I realized.

INDEPENDENCE. I find it difficult to go out for extended periods of time. Much of this may have to do with the fact I am breastfeeding, but it is difficult to figure out how to leave Micah for long stretches of time. Even figuring out how to pump when I am out is challenging. As a result, I feel like I do not have time to get things done . . . either my work, or even spending time with friends, or getting my nails done. I know that moms are able to balance this when they go back to work, but I guess I am a bit more nervous about testing the waters because we JUST got my supply established the past few weeks, and I’m so afraid of messing it all up. My goal over the next few weeks is to figure out how to give myself some space when I need it – maybe have a few days a week that we bottle feed Micah during the day to give me a bit of a break. I am really ready to be able to take the day off and either let Elliot have a full day with Micah or ask my parents to babysit. Now that he is sleeping through the night, it would be so easy to let him stay at his Grammy and Goppy’s house overnight.

SLEEP. I’ll throw a bone to the sleep deprivation factor, although I don’t sleep much in the first place. I have to say, I did not think this would affect me at all, and I was amazed by how difficult the first few weeks were. With all of the feeding issues I was having, I really did not get ANY sleep in the beginning. They tell you to nap when the baby is napping, but if you are feeding every 2-3 hours from the START of a feed, and if the feeding takes over 1 hour, and then it takes another 15-20 minutes to pump (factoring in the setup and cleanup) . . . well, you are at 2 hours, and it is time to start over again! I would say I’m lucky – by the 2 week mark, Micah was sleeping 4-6 hours without interruption overnight, and that immediately gave me my normal sleep schedule back, so my sleep deprivation was short-lived.

Update on Me

February 21, 2009 by Jessica

The past few weeks have really been great for me. The hardest part of becoming a mom and staying home all these weeks has been that I feel like I’ve been losing me. When friends call, I feel tied down and incapable of leaving to go out for a little while. Micah’s eating had been a huge consuming part of my life, and has left me a bit unsure about stepping away for too long. When I have friends on the phone, I have lost my ability to hold a conversation – I have nothing to discuss other than Micah. I can talk about poop, or sleeping, or breastfeeding, or how many ounces I can pump. I can tell you the last time I fed the baby, and how many outfits he has worn in any given day . . . but most of these things probably aren’t interesting to anyone other than me . . . or possibly Elliot. I don’t do anything else during the day, so it is quite difficult to find interesting topics to discuss. I have felt a bit starved for grownup interactions, and I miss doing my work and being able to go to meetings and schedule my calls. I definitely needed this time off, and I’m not ready to fully return to work, but I miss me.

So, the past few weeks I’ve tried to get a life. I joined a Baby & Me class at the JCC, which has been wonderful! It gets us out of the house once a week, and we interact with other mommies. I don’t feel quite so boring because I have lots of other mommies who don’t care if I talk diapers and pumping. I have been going to a breastfeeding support group (BEST) that gets me out of the house a second day and I usually go out to lunch after that as well. I am certain I will develop a nice playgroup for Micah from all of these activities. Next month, I am joining the OnesiesDC group – each week for 6 weeks, we will go to a different location for a baby-friendly activity – infant massage, a yoga class, a pottery class, a visit with a pediatrician, a photo session, etc. I am excited to learn what activities are out there for Micah and me!

Perhaps the best things that have happened are Micah finally nursing “normally” and sleeping through the night. Nursing normally allows me the freedom to just feed him – when he wants, when we are out, etc. I now have a stash of breast milk in the freezer, so I don’t have a panic about what to do if I have to (or want to) run out. It has been unbelievably freeing! Even better, Micah is now sleeping through the night. We put him down at 8:30 and he sleeps until 6:30 or so. What is amazing about that is I can go out after he is asleep! I can even miss the last feed and go out to dinner and have an evening out. On Wednesday, I left Elliot with a bottle of milk, nursed Micah at 7, then went out to dinner with a friend. It was so freeing to be able to just go out and do my thing for a few hours.

My mom and dad have been great about babysitting. On Sunday night, they came over and watched Micah for a few hours. Elliot & I were able to go out for dinner to celebrate a belated Valentine’s Day – our first “date night” since Micah was born. It was some time we needed to recharge our relationship. Of course, we spent the whole time talking about Micah, but at least we got out! Now that we officially have a bedtime routine and Micah is sleeping through the night, I think we are going to start having them babysit AND put Micah to bed so we can take a longer evening to ourselves. My mom actually asked if she could come and do this one night a week!

So, slowly but surely, I’m trying to find myself again. The new me . . . the one that is a mommy, and the one that has a life beyond being a mommy, too. The balance is so important to me – I really want to “have it all.” Wish me luck!