about me

Julie & Julia

August 14, 2009 by Jessica

Last night, for date night, Elliot & I went to see Julie & Julia. It was a great movie – just a happy, feel good story. Naturally, it got me thinking…about life, desires, hopes. Julia Child was well into her 40s when she finally found her career and set out on her path. Blogging about cooking through Julia Child’s book helped Julie find her way to being a writer when she turned 30. I suppose it has made me wonder if I have done all the things I want with my life? In both cases, it was their love of food that brought them to their paths.

I think the movie made me realize that it is never too late to complete those things on our “wish” list of life. My list has always been long, and it is likely that I do not have the desire to put my energy into completing EVERYTHING on that list. (For example, I am an attorney, but I always thought I’d make a marvelous doctor, too – I am fairly certain I will never go back to school to become a doctor. Or, at least not before I’m in my 60s or 70s).

I have so many different loves – I love to crochet and knit, I love to bake and to decorate cakes, I love food and cooking, and I love to write. My career has very little to do with any of these loves, and the movie made me ask whether I should be doing more to pursue those desires. Or, are they just hobbies?

I think part of me has always wanted to be a writer – it is probably why I love to blog. It gives me an excuse to ramble on and put down on paper some of the random thoughts that run through my head. I love to tell stories, but even more, I think I like to share (what I deem to be) keen proclamations and theories about life as they relate to my personal experiences. Some of my favorites include my bad Chinese food theory on relationships (you know, when you crave Chinese food, it is never a good idea to just grab bad Chinese food at the mall to attempt to satisfy that craving – because a taste of BAD Chinese food just sends you on a hunt for really GOOD Chinese food, and you’ll order it 9 million times in a week until you find the PERFECT Chinese food to satisfy your craving. I always used to relate this to casual relationships – you know, they are like trying bad Chinese food to satisfy a craving – it will just make you obsessed with trying to find the good stuff, so you might as well hold out for the GOOD stuff and save the effort and waste), or my paper towel theory on men (back from my single days – I believed that most men, in terms of dating, are like paper towels – they really are only meant to be used once and tossed in the garbage, because if you try to reuse them, they just fall apart – they no longer clean and useful, they just are stained, holy, and raggedy. Some men may be like a good bounty or brawny – you can get 2 or 3 good uses out of them before they fall apart or show signs of wear and tear. If you are looking for something to last, however, you should find a dish towel – those are meant to weather years of cleaning, washing, and reusing. I used to tell my friends that their latest guys were just paper towels – time to throw them out. Based on that theory, we women should enjoy paper towel men – they do serve a purpose – and throw them away when they reach the end of their useful life. But we should marry dish towel men).

In my head, I’ve had several books rattling around for years. I keep hoping that one day, I’ll finally take the time to put them down on paper and release them as a book. I think the movie got me thinking…how do I finally get there? Do I really have time to pursue my writing career while being a new mom and continuing my legal advocacy work that I also love? Or is that just one of those pipe dreams I’ll never realize?

I used to think I wanted to change the world – something big in politics, get rich and famous for doing something truly important. But most of all, I wanted the money and the notoriety so I could help DO. Someone close to me recently told me that I have wasted my intelligence – that I should have done more or been something more important. Sometimes, I wonder that, too, but then I think about what I have already accomplished – in my career, in my personal life – and I am not certain that I agree. I have time for my family and friends – something I’m not sure I could have done if I was working on being “important.” My work does help people – I will probably never get widespread recognition for that, but I’m very well known and respected in my little tiny niche, and I just enjoy what I do and knowing that I help change things. I also think that I’ve done things to help some people one-on-one. I volunteer, I have taken on a number of pro bono cases (one that helped several abused and neglected children become part of a family) and I like to share in an effort that it might help even one person for just a few minutes.

For once, I am not exactly certain where I am driving this post. I guess you could say the movie last night spoke to me, and has me thinking – about the future, about what I want out of life, about my own personal goals and dreams. I think Julia Child is an amazing example of how it is never too late to find your voice and impact the world. I hope maybe one day I can look back and say that I did what I was meant to do, whatever that impact is on others.

So, tell me, have you found yourself? Are there goals and dreams on your list? What are the things you have always wanted to do? What do you love? And who has a plan to get there?

All About Me

July 2, 2009 by Jessica

I spend a lot of time posting about Micah because, frankly, that is why most of you come to read the blog! But today I am making this post all about me. I am thinking of discussing different topics in just a random order, so forgive all the non sequiturs.

Mah Jong. I have recently turned into one of those little old suburban Jewish moms – I started to play Mah Jong. Some of you may have no clue what these two things have to do with each other, but for my Jewish readers, you know that the majority of suburban (and even urban) Jewish mothers and ESPECIALLY grandmothers seem to play mah jong. The game is based on a Chinese game that is a lot like Rummy. When I was a child, my mom and her friends used to play mah jong every week. I remember many nights when the ladies would gather around the kitchen talking, laughing, eating (a few of them smoking) and playing all night long. Well, it was probably only until 11 or 12, but at the time it seemed like “all night” because I had to go to bed while they played. In my teen years and even in my 20s, I had no interest in learning how to play. In fact, I’m certain I mocked my mother (and my grandmother) for being “old ladies” because they enjoyed mah jong. I kept thinking of it as a “Jewish mother” or “Jewish grandmother” game. I have no idea when my mockery gave way to interest. Over the past few months, I noticed more and more on Facebook that my friends (both single and married) set their status to inform everyone that they are off to play mah jong. Maybe that is what piqued my interest. All I know is that a few weeks ago, when one of the women in my playgroup mentioned something about starting a game, I was excited to learn. For our first weeks, we have been rotating houses and taking advantage of our mah jong playing mothers to teach us how to play. Monday night was my mom’s turn. I think we are getting better, and perhaps soon, we’ll be all set to play on our own!

Diet. I am so frustrated with myself about my weight. I put on a lot of weight trying to get pregnant, and I thought that because I did not gain weight during the pregnancy, I would be skinny in no time once I gave birth. Wrong! I’ve been breastfeeding, and while it has not been a source of huge weight loss for me, my biggest fear is that it is the only thing keeping me from gaining massive amounts of weight. I am slowly coming to the end of breastfeeding (I’ll save that discussion for another post), and I really need to get my diet back under control so I do not put any weight on when I wean him. Frankly, I need to do more than just avoid gaining weight when I wean Micah – I really need to commit to South Beach again and lose weight. I’ve been avoiding it for quite a while – I always have an excuse: breastfeeding makes me hungry, I’m going on vacation so I am waiting until I get back, etc., etc. I really do need to just commit to losing weight and taking care of myself. I wish it wasn’t so hard!

Exercise. I have been terrible about exercising lately, but I am trying to get back into it. I have gone to the pool to swim my laps a few times in the past few weeks, and I have been desperately trying to attend my yoga class (the one I had to drop when I was put on bedrest). It turns out, failure to exercise for long periods of time results in poor physical shape. Who would have thought? Part of my effort to lose some weight is to get back into good physical shape. I’m working on committing to that process.

Finding me. I really need to continue working on finding me again. Life has gotten easier now that Micah is getting older and we have a daycare solution. I am building time to work into my schedule, and I am slowly building time for a social life into my schedule, too. Now, if I can figure out how to work in the diet and exercise, too, I’d really be on top of things! Elliot and I have been going out on “date night” on Thursdays. I have been meeting my friends weekly to play mah jong, and I try to take some time out for a walk with a friend or a dinner out once each week. I’m thinking of starting a wine club for my friends – just a fun evening once a month. I really think that I’m on my way to having that perfect balance I am seeking!

Can women “have it all?”

June 29, 2009 by Jessica

I have a feeling this blog post will be a bit controversial. My friend Tammy has a theory – that women cannot “have it all.” On one level, I think I am going to have to disagree with her, but it is possible that our disagreement is a question of semantics. As every good lawyer must ask, what does “having it all” really mean? I think that by some definitions, Tammy is right – no one can have it all. But, by other definitions, anyone (including women) can certainly have it all.

Some may think that “having it all” means having the perfect job, working 9 million hours a week, having a family, being there full-time, being strong and independent while simultaneously being domestic, having plenty of money – you know, having everything 100%. By that definition, I do not believe ANYONE, male or female, can “have it all.” As a matter of mathematic principle, it is impossible to give yourself 100% to more than one task. I think the question for me is whether a woman can strike a balance between work, home, love and self that allows her to enjoy all of these areas without feeling as if she is missing out or losing something. I think a woman who finds that balance does, indeed, “have it all.”

Women often feel that there is societal pressure to choose – a high-powered career or a family? Women are made to feel that if they pursue their career, they are doing so to the detriment of their family. Frankly, if a single woman spends long hours at a job, then there is very little time available for dating and relationships. If a well-educated woman earns a high salary, many men are intimidated (and some even feel emasculated) and they fear having a relationship with a strong, financially independent and secure woman. Even more than that, if a woman works long hours or travels, it is difficult to juggle everything and schedule a date. It is also hard to find men who are willing to change things last-minute when work interferes. Ironically, there are many men out there in the same situation – while one would think these men would be understanding, these men are often the least willing to be flexible – they expect someone to bend to their demanding schedule and they have no interest in working around another person. Their time is tight, and they want to date a woman who is available and waiting on them.

I know that when I was single and dating, I often had challenges finding men who were comfortable with my job, my salary bracket, the fact that I owned my own house. More than one man said he felt that I did not need him. Indeed, these men were correct – I did not need any of them to live my life. Elliot was the first man I met who did not have a problem with the fact that I did not “need” him. It did not bother him that I had my own career, that I had a graduate degree and he did not, or that some years I earn more money than he does. He appreciated my independence and intelligence, and he was proud of the work that I do. I learned that while such a relationship is hard to come by, it does exist.

It is easier for men to balance relationships and work – society puts lower expectations on men in terms of balancing work, home, love and self. In fact, society seems to teach men that if they put everything into work, whatever they have leftover to give to the other compartments is sufficient. Men can have demanding careers, get married, have children, and when they prioritize career over family, they are still said to “have it all.” Some are able to find women with less demanding careers who are willing to accept whatever time is given – a pass that many men are unwilling to give to women with demanding careers. Nevertheless, in my opinion, men who pursue their careers to the extreme heights also have to make choices (albeit more socially acceptable choices) – they cannot hold jobs with long hours and stay in the rat race without missing out on family. But, somehow, an “absent father” (or one who is only present on weekends) is viewed by society as a good father – he is providing for his family. It is socially acceptable for him to put the hours into work, miss out on precious time with his wife and children, and still be viewed as a “good father.” Yet, when a woman works the long hours, she is often viewed as a “bad mother” – neglecting her children and husband, and letting “someone else” raise her kids. Perhaps that is what Tammy means when she says women cannot “have it all.”

Somewhere along the way in my career, I made a choice – a choice about what I wanted for myself professionally. It was not a decision I made based on a desire to get married (which I did not have) or a desire to have children (which was far off in the future at that time), but it was a decision I made based on my desire to live my life and enjoy it. I knew I wanted to have a career, and I knew I wanted to earn a good salary, but I also knew I wanted to find balance in my life. At one point, I worked over 300 billable hours every month at a big law firm. In 2001, I decided to walk away from that life – not because I couldn’t “have it all,” but because I realized that I was on a career path that lacked the balance I was seeking. It was not a life I wanted for myself. I never felt that I walked away from my career, or that I could not continue to work in my trained profession. Instead, I went in search of a job that could be satisfying and challenging, but still allow me to live life – take vacation, enjoy a summer day at the pool, and ultimately, have time to spend with my loved ones. I am lucky that I found that job – I work enough hours to be occupied, well-compensated, busy (sometimes even overwhelmed) and thoroughly challenged by my profession. I would say (based on my salary and hours) that I work full-time, however, I absolutely have hours during the work week almost every week to devote to my personal life. When I left the world of corporations and law firms, I did take a pay cut – perhaps about 20-30% at the time (and perhaps a more significant difference now). I do not miss that money. When I was earning it, I never had time to enjoy it.

It is true that men less frequently make the choice for balance. It is also true that seeking balance is challenging as a woman – we are often not taken seriously when we say we want to do it all. We have this fear that if we drop our hours, or try to structure flexible schedule, or choose a job that allows for more personal time, we are wasting our education or giving up on our career paths to success. I beg to differ – I think it is time we (as a society) start to redefine success, both personally and professionally. I do believe, most days, that I “have it all.” I am constantly striving to improve my balance between work, love, home and self, but I have each of those components in my life, in a proportion that suits me. It is not always easy to maintain that balance, and some days I find that some parts of my life encroach on others. The biggest challenge for me is figuring out how to maintain that balance, and I am hoping one day it will be less effort.

I have several female friends that “have it all,” too. They have families and children and careers – I have friends who are neurologists, dentists, and managers. I suppose that each of us gives up a little to have everything, but I do not think that giving up a little of one thing to get a lot of something else you want is a failure to “have it all.” We make choices in life – do we want 100% of one thing, or do we want a satisfying piece of everything. Kind of like eating at a buffet restaurant – do we want to eat one thing for dinner, or do we want to load up our plates with a variety from the buffet? We may feel overstuffed when all is said and done, but we will have our fill of everything we want. We each have 100% to fill, and when we fill our lives with the things that matter to us in appropriate measure, then we do truly “have it all.”

Tell me, do you think women can “have it all?” What does “having it all” mean to you?

25 Random Things About Me

March 6, 2009 by Jessica

Many of you have seen this going around Facebook, but I thought I’d post it on this blog. Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. If you are reading this and ALSO have a blog, I urge you to post your 25 random things on your blog, too, and then post a comment here so I know to go read your post, too.

1 – I do not use public restrooms unless it is an absolute emergency. I hate germs, and I would rather let my bladder explode than go into a public restroom. Being pregnant made this quite challenging, but I still managed to avoid public restrooms to the maximum extent possible. One time, my aversion to restrooms got me into trouble when a friend who was picking me up from the airport made a wrong turn, and I ended up having to use an awful, disgusting restroom off of the GW Parkway run by the park services. Ewww!!!

2 – I hate mustard – I think it is the most abhorrent substance on earth.

3 – I think fruit and milk should not be mixed. Something about the milk combined with the acidity of the fruit changes the flavor into something . . . awful.

4 – I hate stupidity. I mean REALLY hate stupidity. I am amazed that the world contains so many stupid people.

5 – I hate seeing grammatical errors and spelling errors in e-mail communications to me. I do not understand how people cannot tell the difference between THERE and THEIR, or WHICH and THAT, or WHO and WHOM. I do not understand why people think that the word definitely has an “A” in it. I once broke up with a guy I was dating long-distance because his letters contained too many errors and it made me crazy. I told that story to Elliot the day we met, and apparently I scared him so much he spent hours composing his first e-mail to me and double-checking his spelling about a dozen times before sending it to me.

6 – I don’t sleep. Well, I sleep some, but I rarely sleep more than 4-5 hours a night, and I can go days at a time without sleeping at all. I don’t understand people who go to bed at 10:00 pm and sleep until 7 or 8:00 am. I don’t think I’ve ever slept 8 consecutive hours in my life. I once had a 2 week period in which I slept fewer than 5 hours.

7 – I’m a compulsive reader. I cannot just pick up a book and read a chapter, then put it down. If I start a book, I will keep reading it until I’m finished. I will skip plans, fail to do work, and refuse to leave the house. So, I’ve had to curb my reading in recent years so it doesn’t interfere with me being a productive member of society.

8 – I actually don’t care what other people think of me. I know I can be abrasive at times, and I generally don’t mean to offend people (okay, there are times when I do intentionally try to offend people, but I’m pretty up front about that) and I will apologize if I’ve done something offensive and it is brought to my attention, but it really doesn’t matter to me if someone likes me or not. I am perfectly fine with knowing there are people out there who do not like me.

9 – I like helping people. It doesn’t matter the kind of help . . . school work, work projects, medical issues, a crossword puzzle, family problem, volunteer work. I tend to bend over backwards to help people even though I am awful at asking for help.

10 – Family and close friends mean everything to me. I prioritize family over everything else. I would drop everything to be there for any family member in a heartbeat, because I believe that is what you do for family. No questions asked. I love my family, and I’m so lucky to have such supportive parents who would do anything for me, and a brother who also adores me – despite what crap he might sometimes say. For as much as we can drive each other crazy at times, I know that we are always there for each other. I’m also amazed every day by how our family has grown – my brother’s 2 adorable girls, and my new extended family – Elliot’s brothers and sisters-in-law and their 4 wonderful children.

11 – I am a horrible procrastinator. I hate that I procrastinate and yet . . . I can’t seem to stop myself from doing it. There isn’t anything that I do in advance. I leave everything until the last minute – I guess I must work best under pressure. It drives me bonkers that I do that.

12 – I absolutely adore being a mom, and am totally crazy about Micah. But I’ve also found it challenging because I miss myself and I’m afraid of losing me while trying to be a mommy. I’m hoping to strike a balance and be both myself and a mom.

13 – While many people do not believe this, I actually DO work for a living, even though I work from home. I am an attorney by training, but no longer practice law in the traditional sense. I am now an advocate and a policy advisor, and I work on issues that help improve access to technology for people with disabilities. My clients are all over the country. I provide advice and counseling to several federally-funded national Technical Assistance programs, I work with a number of State Departments of Education, I assist several national disability organizations, I provide advice to technology companies on the accessibility of their products, and I work with companies that manufacture assistive technology.

14 – I never thought I would get married . . . not because I didn’t believe it would happen, but because I actually never really thought I would ever want to get married. I told that to Elliot when I first met him, but he didn’t listen to me.

15 – I have an adorable dog named Nugget. She is the biggest genetic lemon in the history of dogs – there is ALWAYS something wrong with her. I call her my million dollar dog because of the fortune I’ve spent on her medical bills . . . 4 surgeries and tons of medication, trips to specialists, special diets, etc. I wouldn’t trade her for the world – I consider her my first baby, and I have no idea what I would do without her. She has been with me through some rough times in the past 11 years.

16 – I develop obsessions . . . I get fixated on something for months (or years) at a time, and that becomes my all-consuming hobby (or research project). I’ll find internet boards with information on the topic, or I keep going to buy more supplies. The past few years, my obsessions have included knitting, crocheting, cake decorating, and now breastfeeding and baby-raising. I love that Elliot takes an interest in my obsessions, and he will even feed my habit – ask me questions about what I’ve learned, or buy me more supplies (like an edible image printer). We have determined that we need a separate house for my cake-decorating supplies. And I haven’t even baked anything in a few months! Just wait for Micah’s first birthday . . . I’m already planning his cake.

17 – I’m allergic to coconut (and coconut oil). This is becoming an extremely inconvenient allergy. I have learned that all baby formula available commercially in the US contains coconut oil, and I break out into a nasty rash (and sometimes develop breathing issues) when I come into contact with the baby formula.

18 – I’m a night owl, always have been. This probably goes hand-in-hand with not sleeping, but I think the best time of day is late at night. I always laugh when people call me at 9 or 10 and say “am I calling too late?”

19 – I think obnoxious things all the time. I have a pretty good censor in my head that prevents about 95% of what I’m thinking from coming out of my mouth. So, if you think I’m obnoxious . . . you wouldn’t like me with my censor broken.

20 – I once accidentally flushed my house keys down the toilet. Fourth of July back in 1999. If I could have stuck to my no public restrooms rule, it never would have happened! It was at the Cosi in Dupont Circle, and they have single stall bathrooms. Everyone was waiting and line and using the different stalls on a first-come, first-serve basis. I ended up in the stall marked “men’s” and some drunken idiot saw me coming out, started ranting about how women were taking over the world and even the bathrooms, and he shoved me. I lost my balance, and fell back towards the toilet. As my keys were falling out of the pocket, I leaned back to grab something to steady myself . . . and found the handle to the toilet . . . and accidentally flushed it. It was terrible – I had not yet moved into my new condo, and my car was locked in the building (because my car keys were in the condo) and no one in the building knew me yet. I ended up leaving my friends because they couldn’t stop laughing at the situation (which I knew I would also find amusing in about 24 hours) and had to take the metro back to Rockville and figure out how to get in touch with my parents and have them meet me at the metro to pay the “Exitfare” so I could get OUT of the metro and spend the night in a bed.

21 – I’m a sap. I cry at all kinds of cheesey things on tv and in the theatre. It doesn’t take much to make me cry.

22 – I have a guilty pleasure . . . I watch cheesey love stories on tv (often on the Lifetime Movie Network). I can’t help it – I have to see ALL of the new ones as they come out. And I’ll watch them over and over again.

23 – I’m a feminist and I don’t think it is a dirty word. I believe that men and women are equal, that men and women are capable of doing the same things (biological functions aside) and that men and women should be paid the same amount for the same work. I do not believe all the crap about how men and women learn differently – I think societal differences influence that. I was offended when some of the feminists started saying that women do not do well in law school because women can’t learn competitively. I think PEOPLE learn differently, and some women learn well competitively and some men do, but if you don’t, well, don’t go to law school. It is a competitive field and adversarial in nature – if you can’t take it, find a different career path.

24 – Despite my strong feminist side, I have a domestic side . . . I like to cook and bake, and I like to knit and crochet – I just don’t believe I should HAVE to do any of that because I am a woman.

25 – I am not generally a very social person. I can withdraw from interactions for weeks at a time. I can’t stand being out all day and then going out at night, too. I need to go home for long periods of time to “recharge.” I very much need alone time, and miss it desperately. Facebook and other computer based communications are wonderful for me – I can keep up with people when I don’t have the bandwidth without having to interact for long extended periods. Before these things, I would lose track of friends because of all the energy it takes to keep in touch with people.