Pumpkin carving was also a big deal at our house. Actually, the trip tot he pumpkin patch was the bigger deal. Every year, Mom, Dad, Jeremy and I would drive out to Butler’s Orchard. I remember how far out it seemed then – the roads were bumpy and gravelly, and I remember Jeremy and I bouncing around all over the way back of the wagon on our way out to the farm. We would take a hayride out to the pumpkin patch and pick our own pumpkin (they’ve now turned it into a full festival with a petting zoo, face painting, rides, and more). I also remember that my mom had to institute a rule…we could pick any pumpkin we wanted, but we had to be able to carry it back. That rule was for Jeremy – he liked these enormous pumpkins, and my mom didn’t want to be stuck carrying or paying for a 50 lb pumpkin.

Jeremy always grabbed the biggest pumpkin he could find. I liked to find the perfect shape, with few markings on the outside. I liked the perfect pumpkins…clean, rounded, slightly elongated. I would imagine a nice cheery jack-o-lantern face on it, and tried to find the happy pumpkins.

My father would have us draw our jack-o-lantern faces on a sheet of paper (and in later years directly on the pumpkin). He would open up the tops, and Mom would scrape out the insides and collect the seeds. I’d watch her stand there for hours as she emptied out the seeds, then sorted through the muck to pull out all the seeds. She would spread the soaking wet seeds across the counter top on paper towels to let them dry. Once dried, she would transfer them to a cookie sheet and bake them up in the oven – lightly salting them afterwards. We’d spend the next day or two munching on pumpkin seeds.

While Mom dealt with the pumpkin seeds, Dad would carve our pumpkins. He was very precise. He always got Jeremy’s mean pumpkin face *just* right, and he’d make a lovely happy face for me. He’d carefully transfer our designs onto our pumpkins, put a candle inside, and display the pumpkins for the world to see. I loved those times – I really only remember a lot of happiness.

Halloween was often cold here. We’d buy our costumes, and we never knew if we would need to layer heavy sweaters and jeans underneath. Some years, Mom would suggest we would dress up in something easy, like a bum (flannel shirt, ripped jeans, hobo sack, and she’d burn a cork and rub the black on our faces). As children, I remember Jeremy always going as a super hero. I know I went as Wonder Woman a few times, and Raggedy Ann, too. I also remember Rayna being afraid of masks…she’d come over, see us put on our costumes…and start screaming. We’d take off our masks, show her it was us, and she’d smile and say “I know.” But, masks on again…not so happy. I’m still not sure how Arleen managed to get her trick or treating – Jeremy might have had to take off the mask! I do remember one year dressing as a witch (well, several years) and at least one of the years I was on crutches. I remember Dad decorating my crutches to look like broomsticks. It was a cold winter…mom had dressed me in jeans and a navy blue turtle neck and sweater to wear under my cape. As I hobbled around on the crutches, the nose started to fall off…then the hat…then I tripped over the cape. One by one, I removed the items and handed them to Dad. By the end, I was just in my sweater, and everyone thought I had dressed as an invalid for Halloween.

This year, I had planned to take the kids (well, Micah) to the pumpkin patch for his hayride and pumpkin experience. With everything going on, we never made it there. Instead, Elliot just picked two pumpkins up at the store. I was kind of sad looking at them – pumpkins should come from Butler’s not Giant. I noticed that the pumpkins had no stems…Mom NEVER would have let us get a pumpkin without a long stem – too hard to get the top off!

I did, however, get the costume thing right. We dressed Micah up in an adorable fuzzy Elmo costume – he LOVED it. We also had a pumpkin outfit to put on Maya. I was a little sad that Mom wasn’t getting to enjoy Halloween with us…so I decided to bring a little Halloween to Mom.

Last night was a really rough night for us…Micah wouldn’t go back to sleep when he woke up at 2:30. He was intermittently crying or clinging for the rest of the night. At 4:00 am, his cries managed to wake the baby, too, and I was NOT a happy camper. At 5:00, I brought both children into bed, turned on Sesame Street, and nursed Maya to sleep. At 6:00 am, I took Micah back to this room and he went right to sleep. Maya was easily transferred to the crib. Maya woke up again at 8, but Micah slept until 10:30. We got up, fed Micah, and got both children ready for Halloween.

We arrived at Levindale around 12:30. We showed Mom the kids in costume and took photos.

Dad was unable to come today – he had a show for his stationery business, and was there all afternoon. On our way out, Mom had requested a burger for dinner. We decided that Elliot would run out later and get her one.

We sat with Mom and the kids for a few hours, and around 2:00, Gail and Steven arrived – with another corned beef sandwich and some cookies for Mom. We had a wonderful visit with them in the lobby area. We all chatted, Micah ran around in his costume – it was a good day.

I took Mom back to the room to do our cleaning and lotioning ritual while Elliot ran out to the restaurant to get Mom a hamburger. Gail spent some time chasing Micah and watching the baby…it gave me a chance to sit with Mom alone for a few minutes.

I had hoped to leave by 3:00, but naturally it was almost 3:45 before we got in the car. On our way out, we ran into Sheila and Les, who were just arriving for a visit on their way back from New York. I actually didn’t get to speak to my mom last night, so I have no idea about their visit. I know that she was also expecting a few more friends…Roz and Jay, Suzette and Joel, and I think Sharon and Eddie were coming by again, too.

We raced back at 3:45 to get the kids ready for trick-or-treating. We tried to feed Micah dinner (I don’t think that child ate anything yesterday), and we put Maya back in the pumpkin costume. Dad came over to see the kids all dressed up and join us.

We sat down to quickly carve pumpkins (I had drawn simple faces on them in the morning), and I had tried to quickly carve the top out. Dad is much more skilled…he took off the tops, and I emptied the seeds. I only had a chance to roughly carve one of the two pumpkins, but it was fun. Micah was fascinated with the pumpkins, and we were able to light them up and set them outside.

I don’t think Micah fully grasped the concept of Halloween. We went to a party, and he did not seem to really notice the costumes. He did, however, notice the slide. He ran around the yard and played on the slide, and generally had a good time.

We left to start trick or treating just before 6. Getting Micah to walk up to doors and say “trick or treat” was a challenge. He did love grabbing the candy and dumping it in his bag. Unfortunately, he cried every time we left a house.

By the time we hit the 8th house, I’d had enough. Dad had taken Maya back already and was standing there handing out candy when I arrived back home, so I joined him. Elliot continued on for another hour and a half with Micah, but eventually transferred him to a stroller.

Dad left around 7:30 and headed home. The kids played a bit longer. We had to fight Micah to take off his Elmo costume, but they had a great time. Dad said he spoke to Mom, and that she was thrilled to see the kids in their costumes. All-in-all, a great evening. So far, both kids have been asleep all night. Maya was a bit of a challenge to get to sleep, but she finally crashed around 10.

We bring Mom home in four more days!

As I was getting ready, I asked Elliot to help me find the ipod. Micah started yelling “Mommy, ipod” and he reached up to the counter and grabbed the ipod. Yes, you know you’ve allowed your child too much access to technology when “ipod” is one of the few words he can pronounce perfectly.

I met my friend Heather for breakfast at the Original Pancake House at 10 (it is one of our favorite restaurants, and we love to order chocolate crepes and strawberry crepes and share them…it has been our tradition for many years now). My father showed up just before we were seated…he was kind enough to drive down and bring me my cell phone!

After brunch with Heather, Maya and I drove up to Levindale. It was an easy ride, and we arrived right around 12:30. Jeremy, Paige, Peyton, Lorin, and Stu (who was in town visiting from California) were already with Mom. We stayed in her room for a few minutes, and then we relocated to the cafe where we had more room to sit and chat. As usual, Lorin brought another delicious smoothie for my mother…and the girls ended up drinking most of it. A resounding hit!

The girls ran around, played with Maya, and had a fantastic time with Uncle Stu. It was Stu’s first time meeting Maya…and I would say she did the requisite flirting.

I got a text from Elliot – he had taken Micah down to the Rally to Restore Sanity, and he thought a few of the signs were funny. He said it was unbelievably crowded – more so than almost any other event he had ever attended before on the mall.

Dad showed up while we were in the cafe, and we spent some time together. Jeremy and the girls, Lorin and Stu all left by 3, and my father and I returned Mom to her room. My mom showed me a cute little mug that Sharon and Eddie brought over this morning – thank you! It has a great photo of mom from her birthday party, and it says Happy 65th on it.

Dad left a little while later, and I hung around to do our facial cleaning routine, nurse Maya, and give Mom some time to play with the baby. Maya and I took off on the early side (around 4:30). We got home around 5:30, I fed Maya again, and then Elliot, Micah, Maya and I drove to the Hebrew Home for a quick visit with Della (and a chance for Stu to see Micah and Elliot). We didn’t stay very long – we were back home by 7. We watched a little tv, played a few games with Micah, and then bathed the children and put them to bed.

Good news of the day…we now have a new key for our rental house. Tomorrow is going to be a bit crazy…we need to get up to Mom on the early side (Dad is unable to go there tomorrow because he is working) so we can get back in time to take the kids trick or treating. If you are thinking of going to visit Mom, any time is good, but she could especially use a little extra company in the morning (before lunch) and later in the day (we’ll probably have to leave by 3). I hate leaving her alone for so long, so I’m hoping she’ll have lots of company to keep her occupied.

Mom will be home in six days.

Uh oh…it is 2:30 and Micah is screaming for Mommy. I wonder why he wakes up…bad dreams? Teething pain? Not a good night. Probably because I’m trying to post early, pump early and go to bed early. Let’s hope Elliot can get him back to sleep.

I was supposed to meet my father over at the new house so we could take some measurements. Unfortunately, we spent most of the morning searching for the keys to the new house. I am 100% certain about where I put them, and they are no longer there. I’m a creature of habit…I always put things in certain “designated” places. I do that (and refuse to let myself come up with new locations for things because I never remember those new and creative locations). So, important papers go in one spot, keys in another spot, etc. I do have 1 “dumping” ground…if something is “misplaced” it is always in my dumping ground. So, today I searched for the keys in my usual places – where I keep keys, my important papers pile and my dumping ground. Then I searched everywhere else. We took this house apart, and we cannot find the keys anywhere.

Since they are missing, it means one of several things happened. 1) Elliot took them and moved them (or thought he’d take them to the store to make copies and forgot that he stuffed them in something). 2) My father saw them and grabbed them and put them somewhere for “safe keeping” and now doesn’t even remember that we ever told him the keys were here. (Definitely a plausible scenario, except my father has only been here once since the keys arrived, and I really don’t remember showing him where they were). 3) Micah spotted them, grabbed them and started playing with them (he is obsessed with keys) and put them somewhere…possibly even the diaper pail, his new favorite toy. 4) Perhaps the landlady took them back. I noticed when cleaning that she took the wrong copy of the lease – it is possibly she snagged both my envelope and the keys at the same time. I am fairly certain I checked for the keys since she left (and saw them) but maybe I didn’t.

After we gave up looking for the keys, we had a lot to do. I decorated a cake for Peyton’s birthday, I straightened the house, I played with Micah, I nursed Maya…it was a bit crazy. Christin took Micah outside for a bit to play with bubbles, helped feed him lunch, and then we put him down for an early nap. She took care of Maya while I showered and dressed and got things ready for us to leave.

I heard that Diane and Joey were visiting my mom today. I’m sorry I missed them! It was too hard for us to figure out how to get everyone up to Levindale today early and make it through to dinner, so we just decided to drive up after Micah’s nap.

Surprisingly, we made it out the door on time at 2:30. Elliot asked to detour by Red Cross to pick up his new cell phone. I had no idea that the little detour would end up making our trip 1 1/2 hours long! We did not arrive at Levindale until 4:00. I ran upstairs, helped my mom finish getting ready, and we headed out for dinner. We were downstairs loading her into the van around 4:20, and we arrived at the restaurant around 4:50.

We had to wait for a few minutes while they set up the tables, but we did finally get seated. Jen and the girls arrived right on time, and Jeremy arrived a short while later. Dinner was lovely! The kids, of course, ate nothing, and the adults ate way too much. Mom and I shared food…we had gnocchi and eggplant parmesan, and it was very good. Dad also had eggplant, Elliot had a delicious pasta with a tomato, garlic, artichoke, spinach and tomato sauce. Jen had a cheesesteak, and to be honest, I have no idea what my brother ordered. We ordered Micah spaghetti and meatballs…and he wouldn’t even look at it. The girls had a little pasta, a little gnocchi, a little spaghetti…but mostly ate bread. Micah drank water, and then was throwing a fit. We ended up just playing some Elmo on DVD for him. I know – terrible habit. We cannot just use Elmo every time he misbehaves…but it was so much easier to keep him entertained than cut the dinner short and leave.

Around 6:15, we decided to serve the cake. Peyton had a huge grin on her face as she blew out her candle. I had made her an Ariel doll cake (with a real Ariel doll), and she was thrilled! Now, if I had only remembered to bring the doll’s pants and accompanying play toys that I left in the box at home, that would have been a good thing.

Peyton opened her presents and then it was time to say goodbye. We loaded up the things first (leftover food, diaper bags, etc.) and then we took Mom outside. It was freezing!! It took us a few minutes to get her in the van and lock everything in place (including the children). Jeremy, Jen and the girls said their goodbyes, and Mom, Dad, me, Elliot, Micah and Maya headed back to Levindale. I had Elliot just drop me, Mom and Dad at the front door and head home with the kids. Dad and I took Mom upstairs, got the nurse, and had them give Mom her medications and get her ready for bed.

Dad and I stayed with Mom for another 40 minutes. We took some time to do our “daily routine” – I get a washcloth and take some of Mom’s Albolene (a cream cleanser) to rub all over her face and then wipe it off. I then take the cream they gave us at Hopkins and rub it all over her face and head. Since we’ve been doing this routine, Mom has felt far less itchy and her skin is looking much better. I love our daily routine, and so does she. Every day, she tells me that she cannot wait until I get my hands on her.

Tonight, we talked about how this will be our new nightly routine when we go home. She said she looks forward to creating good happy routines for us to remember. I told her that I already had plenty of good happy memories of her, but that I was looking forward to creating many more.

I was impressed that Mom made it to 7:00 without so much as a yawn. I think she has been going to bed early out of boredom. Dad and I left together, and I drove him home to our house. He said he was tired and did not feel up to driving. I didn’t mind at all, and we had a nice chat in the car. We got home to two screaming children!! I went upstairs to help Elliot, and brought Maya downstairs. While my father waited, I changed Maya into her pajamas and started to nurse her.

Dad waited for Elliot to come downstairs after putting Micah to bed, and he asked him a favor then left for the night. He told me he was tired and going home. No surprise, but Dad called a little while later to tell me that I forgot my phone in his car, and he was driving back down to give it to me. I told him not to bother, that I could wait until the morning to get my phone from him. I realized Dad was in the car, and asked him where he was. Much to my surprise, he told me that instead of driving straight home, he detoured to the post office out by the College. I could have strangled him!! He kept insisting that it was “on his way” home (yeah…about 10 minutes further north than he needed to go, and then another 15 minutes home). I was so angry that he did all that extra driving on a night when he told me he was too tired to be driving very far! There was just nothing so urgent at the post office that could not wait until the morning (and I know he told me he had stopped at the post office earlier in the day, too).

Right after I “yelled” at Dad, Mom called me to tell me she was having a good night so far. It was nice to hear from her. A few minutes later, she called back to tell me that the battery on her book had died. Naturally, I told on Dad, too, and Mom was not happy he had done extra driving either. So, I called Dad back to ask him to ask if he had any more batteries at home (ours are all rechargeable, so they just do not last as long). I also made sure he knew I tattled to Mom about his driving escapades…at which point he realized he shouldn’t have been doing that driving. So, Dad, no more running stupid errands when you are exhausted!! Now, I’ve tattled to everyone, and he’ll be very unhappy when he reads this :).

Mom just called…I had to race through the house to find a phone that was charged…no such luck. I called her back, and she is doing well – up for the day and getting ready. We’ll head there around lunch time, and she has a few visitors planned.

Thursday was a tough morning…Micah woke up screaming “Mommy!” around 6:00 am…just as I was starting to fall asleep. I don’t know whether he had a nightmare or if he was hurt, but he was loud and scared, and I needed to go upstairs and sit with him. After 30 minutes, I realized he was not going to fall back asleep. I decided to bring him into our room – I was hoping that sitting in the dark and cuddling with us would encourage him to sleep…but no such luck. Instead, he woke the baby up early, and Elliot eventually had to take Micah downstairs for an early breakfast.

Micah had preschool again today, and we ended up sending him with Megan. Elliot had a work function, and I planned a Kidville class with Maya (and our cousins Jodi and Layla, and our friends Ellen and Abigail). Maya and I met Jodi and Layla for an early lunch first at 11:00 to catch up, and I would have had to leave preschool a bit early to make it there on time. Since I was afraid of Micah crying and becoming inconsolable if I tried to sneak out of preschool 15 minutes early and swap with Megan, I decided it would be easier for him if Megan took him instead.

Maya had a great time at Kidville! I think she is a little young still for class to mean anything to her yet, but the singing and the toys made her smile. I think Micah was about 6 months old when I enrolled him in his first class, so perhaps next semester I’ll start Maya in a regular class. After class, Ellen had to run to pick up her son, Max, and Jodi and I stopped for a cupcake at Georgetown Cupcakes.

After class, I got in the car and headed to Levindale, but it was almost 2:30 when I finally arrived. My mother was supposed to be in therapy, but when I got there, the therapist informed me she was unable to find my Mom at 2:00 when she went upstairs. I sat with her for a bit and reviewed different equipment options, and then my parents walked through the door. I guess my father took my mother for a walk and the therapist was unable to find them. It was too late for therapy at that poing, so all went upstairs.

Mom continued to sit in her chair for a few more hours. We talked, we looked for her ipod (it went missing again yesterday, and we still can’t find it). Mom asked me to flip a glass upside down (my grandmother used to tell us that if you turn a glass upside in your cabinet when you lose something, you’ll find it), so I sent Elliot a text to flip one over. Hopefully, the glass will help us find Mom’s ipod tomorrow.

I called Jen to wish Peyton a Happy Birthday, but she was sleeping. While I was on the phone, Ben and Carrie (Jen’s brother and sister-in-law) came by to visit Mom. It was so great to see them! They stayed and chatted with Mom for about an hour, and we had a great visit. They couldn’t have come at a better time…Mom was upstairs, dressed, in her wheelchair and feeling great.

After Ben and Carrie left, we took Mom back to her room and my father headed home. I spent the afternoon trying to deal with getting her blood test results faxed over to Hopkins. Apparently, her platelets have dropped again (down to 62,000 from 110,000), which is a normal side effect of chemotherapy. I spoke to her medical oncologist, Dr. Holdhoff, and he said their goal is to keep her platelets over 50,000, so I believe we just need to watch and wait. She will need to continue getting her blood draws, and they will not be able to start her monthly oral chemotherapy until here counts recover. What concerns me more now is that my mother is also anemic again, and I’m not certain if anyone is monitoring that. It was such a severe issue a few months ago, and I’m concerned again. I gave my father a copy of the blood work, and he will be having my mother’s hematologist review the results in the morning. It may be that my mother will need another iron infusion again, too, but I hope not.

I finally left around 5:30 – a short visit for me today. I made it back just in time for our meeting with the architect. We now have 2 bids from 2 different contractors, and we need to choose. We thought we had already committed to one of the contractors, but our architect decided to solicit a second bid from our original contractor (whose price kept increasing during the planning phase). Both contractors are good, and their bids are competitive. One of them is more likely to function on time, and the other is likely to be a little less money. Both will do good work. I kind of feel obligated to one of the contractors (since we did tell him we planned to go with him and that the job was his), but we have not signed anything with either one of them yet. Either way, one of these contractors will feel screwed, and I think our architect might have handled this situation badly with both of them.

Micah was very funny tonight with our architect. He kept pointing to his shirt and talking, and the architect asked me what Micah ws saying. I listened for a minute and finally realized that Micah was saying “there is boo-boos.” Our architect had a shirt on with several snapshots of Renaissance art, and a few of the paintings had exposed women’s breasts, and Micah was just simply pointing out that the women on his shirt had “boo-boos.” I couldn’t stop laughing…Micah sure does love to identify body parts! Here are some pictures of us “hanging out” tonight:

THOUGHT #1: It is funny – I mentioned helping Mom take off her acrylic thumb nail this weekend, but I didn’t really explain much about that. Many of you may be aware that my Mom nearly lost the top of her thumb when she was 3 years old. She got it caught in a door, and it was badly injured. They managed to reattach it, but the nail bed was permanently damaged. Her whole life, my mother’s thumb nail was never…normal. She also bit her nails, so all of her nails were fairly short. I clearly remember her thumb, and always found it fascinating. I know it used to bother my mother…I think she was never fully comfortable with her hands because of her thumb. During the winter, it used to crack and hurt her…I always remember her putting Desitin on it and keeping it covered with a bandaid. Maybe 15 years ago (I am fairly certain I was in college or law school), Mom decided to try and get acrylic nails…and see if there was anything that could be done with her thumb. My mother discovered a woman named Lan, who uses acrylic to build a nail for my mother. Ever since my mother met Lan, she has had a “real” thumb nail…unless you know what to look for, you’d never know that there is anything different about my mother’s thumb. It has been many years since I saw my mother’s thumb exposed like it has been since Sunday.

THOUGHT #2: I’ve also been thinking a lot about changes. On Sunday, my Mom and I tried to work on crocheting. It was hard to watch my mother frustrated…and unable to crochet. It was a huge change for us. She still knows how to crochet, but she really does not yet seem able to use her left hand enough to make it possible. I bought her a great contraption for holding the yarn…but my mother just isn’t able to see her left arm or make it move on command, at least not yet. I was frustrated for her – we just need to work on her lifting her left arm on command and I think she’ll be able to crochet again. We’re going to work on that skill and see what we can do.

THOUGHT #3: With only one more day left of radiation, I’ve been thinking about bells…the significance of bells, and their impact. Bells have so many different meanings…some people love the line from the old Christmas movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, that every time a bell rings, an angel earns his/her wings. Others think of bells as a call to action, or a warning or an alert. It is finally time for Mom to ring that bell, signifying the end of her radiation and chemotherapy. For us, a bell will now mean a victory…a small victory, but a victory nonetheless. My mother has made it through the past 2 months of surgery, recovery, radiation and chemotherapy. We’ll meet at the hospital – all of us. Mom, Dad, Me, Elliot, Micah, Maya, Jeremy, Jen, Paige and Peyton will all be there to support Mom. We’ll wait with her, hope things run on time, and at the end of her appointment, we’ll watch as she proudly rings that fire bell! I’m so proud of all she has been through to reach this point…a day we were not certain we’d actually get to see.

THE RUN-DOWN: So, a run-down of our day today before I ask a favor from all of you.

Mom was busy calling all night last night…4:00 am, 6:30, again around 8:30…she was up and felt like chatting. She pointed out that I’m usually awake and I told her to call any time, so she does. It makes me laugh…and it reminds me of the times in college when I didn’t hesitate to pick up the phone and call HER at 3:00 am because I wanted to talk.

Maya was up around 8:15 to nurse and snuggle, but we did not get up and going until Megan arrived at 9. We had to hurry and get ready and out the door because Micah had class at 10 and Maya had her 4 month doctor’s appointment! I cannot believe that Maya is 4 months old already. She weighed in today at 12 pounds, exactly, and she was 24 inches long. She was in the 25th percentile for height and weight, and is doing great. She showed off her skills, she got 3 vaccinations (2 shots and an oral vaccine), screamed and cried until I nursed her, and then crashed from exhaustion into a deep sleep in the car.

I decided not to disturb her sleep, so I dropped Elliot off at home, and Maya and I continued up to Levindale a bit early. We arrived at Levindale around 12:15, and we had 45 minutes to hang out with Mom before Chanel, the transport driver, arrived. We’ve got a great photo of Dad, Mom & Chanel arriving at Hopkins from the transport to show off. Chanel has been wonderful for us – she shaves nearly 2 hours off of Mom’s waiting time by sitting with us and driving Mom back. Chanel was in GREAT spirits today…she told us all about moving into her new house and how she surprised her children. It sounds like she had an amazing weekend, and I wish there was more we could do for her to repay her for her assistance with Mom.

I never made it upstairs to bed last night. Again. I did catch a couple hours of sleep on the couch before the children woke up, but Micah got up a bit early today. My mom called bright and early, too, to tell me that she had a good night. I love her phone calls, even when they wake the kids. It makes me smile to know she is thinking of me.

Micah ate a good breakfast again…I think he loves to eat eggs. I keep wondering whether I should try getting “fancy” with the eggs…maybe fried eggs, or a bird’s nest. I always end up keeping it simple…plain old scrambled eggs, with either an English muffin, cereal, or oatmeal. He usually likes a little fruit (either raisins or a banana) to top it off.

Christin arrived at 9, and I spent most of the morning playing with Micah and trying to accomplish odds and ends…like sorting the mountain of laundry for Maya. Those hand-me-downs have been a mixed blessing…with all the clothes, it takes me forever to try and figure out what pieces go together and get it all organized. I still have pants that do not seem to belong with any of the tops, and vice versa. It will be wonderful to have new (and warm) outfits for Maya to wear…but I think those unmatched pieces are going to make me crazy! If history holds true, I will probably find the matched sets when it is time to pack them all up again.

I was late leaving for the hospital today. I just couldn’t seem to get myself going. Maya was napping and I did not want to disturb her, but then she needed to nurse when I finally tried to move her into her car seat. As I left, Elliot was dealing with an hvac technician who was supposed to be replacing our thermostat under warranty. Unfortunately, the touch screen broke, so we can no longer adjust the temperature in our house. The air is stuck too high, and the heat too low, so it is always either too hot or too cold in the house. This has been going on for three weeks now, and I hit my limit of “waiting” for the warranty replacement. Suffice it to say…we did not get the warranty replacement done today…but Elliot did go out and buy a new thermostat at Home Depot and install it himself. I sure hope he did it correctly!

Mom was in great spirits today. Once again, we had requested a specific driver…Chanel. She has been so wonderful to us these past few days, and whenever we get her, she also waits with us so Mom can return to Levindale faster. Chanel shared with us that, despite the fact she has been working, she has been homeless. She has 4 children, too, ranging from about 6 or 7 up to 17. She was thrilled to share with us that as of tomorrow, she will finally have a home again! She has been working with an organization who helped her out, and she had the biggest grin on her face as she described her new 4 bedroom home with beautiful wood floors. I couldn’t help but smile along with her…I hope her new home is filled with happiness and that she and her children always has a roof over her head.

This journey we’ve been on has been incredible. We’ve met so many wonderful people…staff at Hopkins, transport drivers like Chanel, nursing aides like Krystal, the woman with lung cancer undergoing treatment when my mom first started…who used to sit and chat with me every day while I waited for mom, and yesterday, the family with a daughter who had lymphoma. I never even asked their name, but this family touched me. Their daughter could not have been more than 10 or 12 years old, and there she stood, bald head, mask on her face, and a huge grin as she rang the bell! They were from Delaware, and drove all the way down each week for treatment at Hopkins. We talked about how when it rains, it pours…the father had a heart attack the previous week, and ended up in the hospital while his daughter was undergoing treatment. We connected as we talked about how it feels like everything bad keeps happening all at once. We talked about how we wished we could just stop everything else in our lives to focus on this for 6 weeks, because the juggling and balancing everything else like work and finances and commuting and children is just…too much sometimes. Though we only spoke for an instant, we bonded – in that moment, we just understood each other. I hope that their daughter’s treatments were successful, and that she lives a long and cancer-free life.

We were back at Levindale quite early (thanks to Chanel) – about 2:40! My father took off early, and I sat with my mom and Maya for a bit. She made some phone calls, she talked, and we did some planning. My mom decided she wanted to make a video for Maya – a beautiful message to her to tell her how much she loves her. Mom would like to make videos for all of us, but she struggles with what to say. I think that when the time is right, she will know.

My mom is a little anxious again about death. The rabbi came by today to talk to her, and she has been fixating on things again. In her head, she thinks of death as being buried alive. I’ve already mentioned how much that disturbs me, and I have no idea when that thought started. I often wonder if that is the tumor and steroids talking or if she has always felt that way. It is like one minute she thinks of death as the body stopping…and the next minute she somehow thinks we will just bury her alive. She is worried about animals getting in, about sitting in the dark, about keeping warm and making sure her cell phone is working so she can call everyone.

I wish there was some way I could alleviate her fears. We talked a little about death again, and I told her that I just could not believe that death was like being trapped in darkness underground. I think that if you believe that life ends at death, then there is nothing. We simply cease to be, feel nothing, and the body slowly disappears. If you believe that we are more than our bodies, then it *has* to be that the body separates from the soul, and that the soul is free. It makes no sense to me that we could have a soul that continues on in some capacity…but gets trapped inside a feeling body. I think the point of having a soul that continues on is that it IS free – one with the universe, or in a heaven somewhere, or perhaps floating near family.

I’m not sure what I believe about the hereafter. I like the thought that our souls continuing on in some capacity. There are moments when I’ve felt that my loved ones must be nearby. I think that even if I do not believe in souls continuing on in the literal sense of the word, I do believe that we continue on in others.

In one of my mother’s posts, she said something about saying goodbye being like giving your memories away to your friends. I was not quite sure what she meant at the time, but I’ve been thinking about it. Maybe dying is like becoming a memory, and maybe the soul is just memories and feelings that live on in others. There is a Jewish prayer that we often recite when in mourning or observing yahrtzeit. I won’t publish it here today, mostly because today is no time for mourning. It talks about how we remember people we’ve lost during the simplest times…in the rising of the sun, in the blowing of the wind, etc. My favorite line is “As long as we live, they too will live; for they are now a part of us, as we remember them.” I like the idea of people we lose living on as a part of us…they feel no pain or fear, no cold or animals, but they are close to those of us who love them most and think of them often.

After our “heavy” day today, I left my mom on the early side – before 5:00. Mom was sleepy and ready to nap, so I decided to let the aide handle her dinner. Krystal was on the Levindale floor working when I left, so it was good to know she was around to help out if needed, too. I made it home by 6. Elliot and Micah went to services and a Shabbat dinner. I think the preschool was doing a Shabbat dinner, but I just did not have the energy to go. I managed to get Maya to sleep early tonight – before 9:00 pm in the pack and play! The pacifier seems to be the key…as long as she can keep sucking, she is happy. I am hoping this is the beginning of a beautiful new pattern…and an earlier bedtime for Maya.

I’m off to bed. I have Maya’s laundry from last week all folded and sorted (finally) and another load of my laundry ready for the dryer. I still have a third load of my clothing to do, a load of towels, and another load of the children’s clothing from the past few days. I think I could spend forever doing laundry.

We’ve been told that mom has no therapy sessions this weekend, so visitors are VERY welcome! Saturday will be quiet for Mom. On Sunday, there is a family brunch around 12, so we’ll all be there with her for that. Feel free to let us know if you want to come by – we can try to stagger the visitor times.