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Maternity & Parenting Center

No, no, no!

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I mentioned that on Sunday, we were at my parents’ house for a few hours, and Jen, Jeremy, Paige and Peyton were there. They were on their way back from vacation, and stopped by to check on my mom and pick up their dog, Demeter. We went over to meet up with them, and Micah spent a lot of time playing with D.

As is to be expected, gentle is not a skill Micah has exactly mastered yet. D is very sweet, but, unlike Nugget, she will bite/snap if prompted. Micah was rolling around on top of her, grabbing at her fur/skin, pinching her, and generally giving her reason to get nervous and snap. A number of times, I ran over to Micah, shook my finger at him and said “No” and told him to be gentle. I would demonstrate gentle…and usually he’d resume pinching and rough-housing with the dog.

Well, yesterday and today, Micah was sitting and reading his “Animals” book (it is the book he is playing with in the video with Bentley in my last post). The very first page is a picture of about 4 different dogs, with the word “DOG” printed at the top. As Micah reads the book, I ask him what the different animals are, and I ask him what sound they make. If he is able, he tells me, and if he doesn’t know the words, I tell him. There are other pictures on the pages (balls, bubbles, balloons), and he likes to point out the different items and tell me what they are. Dog is one of the words he knows well. For the past two days, he points at the dogs, I ask what it is, he says “doggy,” and then I ask him “What sound do doggies make?” As I prepare to tell him “Woof, woof,” Micah now takes his finger, shakes it at the picture and says “No, no, no!” Yup, apparently he now things that dogs say “No, no, no.” I’m guessing I must have inadvertently taught him that this weekend! In fact, tonight, as he was flipping through the book, all he needed to do was look at the picture of the dogs, and he started to shake his finger and say “No, no, no!” Up until now, he was only shaking his head “no” – not only does he think you have to say “No” to dogs, he now knows how to VOCALIZE the word no while he shakes his head (and his finger). This is going to be fun, isn’t it?

18 months

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Wow – I cannot believe how the last 18 months have flown by – my little man is now 18 months old!! Each and every day, he amazes me. I do have to say, I was certain he’d be a big brother already…perhaps soon!

We have not weighed or measured Micah in a while – I’d guess he is around 22 lbs right now, and maybe 34-35 inches tall. He is wearing 18 months (or 12-18 months) clothing and a size 5W shoes. We are still having issues keeping his pants on his skinny tush – so far, we can only wear the shorts that have adjustable tabs in the waist. We have not set up his 18 month checkup yet – I assumed that Twoey would be here, and we’d just bring Micah in at the same time we brought Twoey in for one of her appointments, so we will not have his stats for a little while still.

As for milestones, his language skills are increasing each and every day. He is repeating more words, and he seems to be using more and more words to communicate. He is even stringing a few words together (like “sit down” and “get out”). He does seem to be confusing a few words lately – apparently, “more” and “all done” seem to be synonymous. He also seems to be calling lots of people “Mommy” lately – it seems to be his word when he wants comfort from any person. He is also so loving and sweet – I just love how he gives hugs and kisses all the time.

Physically, he is very strong and seems to be developing as he should. He climbs on and off furniture and loves to sit on grownup chairs. He loves to play catch and throw his basketball. He loves using all of his different toys, and he runs around the house. He keeps trying to walk down stairs (I don’t think he is *quite* ready for that yet, though). He seems to do pretty well with some of the smaller steps (like the one leading out of our house). He LOVES to be outside, and he does everything he can to spend as much time as possible outdoors.

Here is some video I took a few days before Nugget died – we had a “playdate” with one of my best friend’s dog, Bentley. Micah was showing off his reading/talking skills and loving on Bentley:

We are still having a big challenge with eating – he gets very stubborn and picky at meal time. It is a big guessing game – what he will eat, how he will eat it, etc. One minute he’ll eat something and the next minute he is throwing it. Sometimes all it takes is handing him a fork, or putting some dipping sauce down for him. Other times, we have to get entirely different food for him. Lately, he wants to do things himself with food – sandwiches need to be whole, he wants the whole banana and the whole piece of chicken. He likes to hold the bag of raisins and eat directly out of that (or the cereal box or the cracker box). Often, I try to insist that he eat from his tray, but sometimes, it is just easier to give in to him. Sometimes, he just wants to eat out of a bowl or a plate like a “big boy.” We never know if he’ll eat a ton or practically nothing!

His sleeping habits are improving…he has been napping better and sleeping later again, but we’ve had a few mornings when he wakes up extra early. I think it is still related to teething (and his new bug bites) that are bothering him. Unfortunately, he has been a bit challenging to put down most nights and for naps – he has been crying a bit more lately. Luckily, he usually doesn’t cry that long, but I wish he wouldn’t get so upset!

As I mentioned, Micah seems to be plagued with some bug bites this week. He had a spider bite on his arm about 1 month ago, but this was different. On Thursday night, I noticed a small red bump on his leg when we were getting him ready for bed. I didn’t think much about it – it was fairly small and I figured it was no big deal. I checked it out in the morning before he left for daycare, and told Elliot to ask the daycare to keep an eye on it. On Friday night when we were bathing him and getting him ready for bed, the small red bump had turned into this:



It was very blistery – tons of tiny little blisters. I started to wonder if it was poison ivy or a spider bite. It did not look infected and it did not seem to be bothering Micah, so I cleaned it off with hydrogen peroxide, put some caladryl on it, and kept it covered. We also gave him some benadryl to help with the swelling and itching. I also noticed a small red bump on the bridge of his nose. When we woke up on Saturday morning, the bite on his leg looked much better. The bump on the bridge of his nose was more swollen – according to Elliot, he looked a bit like a Klingon from Star Trek! I called the doctor to see if we should bring him in to the office. She said that as long as his eye was not irritated and while the mark on his leg was not looking infected, streaking, or expanding in size, we should just keep doing what we were doing. We kept the bite on his leg covered and cleaned, and we did not pay too much attention to the bite on his nose. Micah went to services with his Daddy in the morning, took a VERY short nap, then we all went to the pool to play. After pool time, we visited my parents for dinner – my mom hadn’t see Micah in almost 1 month! I think this is the longest stretch she’d ever gone. We had a good night, and left after a few hours.

Sunday morning when Micah woke up, his left eye was practically swollen shut! I couldn’t tell if the bite from his nose was causing the swelling or if it was a new bite, but it looked terrible. We debated taking him to the emergency room, but his eye looked clear and he did not seem to be in any discomfort. We took some benadryl cream and put it on his eye. Elliot took him out for a few hours, and my dad came by and picked me up. Elliot, Micah, me, Jeremy, Jen, Paige and Peyton all met up around lunch time at my parents’ house to visit my mom. She is doing better, but still so wiped out. Micah spent the afternoon trying to talk to his cousins and chasing them around the house. They were so cute playing together!! I was actually impressed at how well he was playing and interacting with them. He kept trying to communicate with them, too. At one point, the kids were VERY quiet – I got worried something was wrong. I found them in the other room, with Paige showing Micah how to play with this set of nesting dolls. It was so cute to see them together! Peyton asked me where Nugget was…that was a tough conversation for me. She did not understand and kept asking why Nugget was gone. Over the course of the day, Micah’s eye improved dramatically. I think the cream helped, and the extra dosage of Benadryl at naptime probably didn’t hurt either.

Tonight, after dinner, Micah, Elliot and I went on a long walk into Bethesda (and I decided to stop at Ben & Jerry’s). I think I discovered where Micah is getting all of his bites – on his nightly evening walk! We are going to have to start covering him in the organic bug spray we have. I was hoping to kick things up on the walk and get this labor on the road. Well, it worked – I am contracting like crazy and I barely made it home. I’m sure it will stall out again, but I’m getting pretty fed up! I’m starting to worry I’ll end up OVERDUE after all of this! My system is still a mess, and I’m feeling terrible. I’m not sure this baby is EVER going to come out!!

I think I mentioned before that with Nugget gone, our house has been a mess. We counted on her to do a lot of our vacuuming. Well, we invested in a lightweight vacuum we are now using on a regular basis to clean up after ourselves. The first day we used it, Micah fell in love – he came running over, took control of the vacuum, and went to work. So, there is a new housekeeper in town!

Twoey’s 38 week appointments

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Today was appointment day…we took Twoey for her ultrasound and biophysical profile this morning, and she passed with flying colors! She was moving and breathing well, and we did get a few photos I will try to scan and share. Twoey has been very low – it used to be that her face was even with the placenta, but now she has descended so much that the placenta is even with her belly.

This afternoon, we met with the midwife. This was one of my favorite midwives, and today was her last day with the practice. So, she will definitely NOT be delivering Twoey. The good news is that the midwife who delivered Micah will be covering hospital hours over the next few weeks, so she may be delivering Twoey! I like one of the other two midwives on call – the third one is not so friendly, though.

As for my appointment, at 38 weeks, my belly is measuring 34 weeks…and shrinking. I haven’t put on any weight, and I’ve been having horrible nausea again. The contractions are pretty regular, but I don’t seem to be making any progress. I’m about 2 cm dilated and 70-80% effaced, so no real progress from last week. I’m pretty disappointed. She didn’t think it was a good time to strip my membranes – she did stretch my cervix to hope to stir things up. I had to be hooked up to the machines for an NST (non-stress test) and little Miss Twoey flunked at first. I had to stay hooked up a while longer – they eventually let me go (because she was being cooperative this morning), but all she wanted to do was sleep this afternoon.

I really hope things start to move – I’m so uncomfortable right now with all the contractions, and I’m starting to worry that I won’t go into labor on my own (side effect of those stupid progesterone shots I had to take). Inductions require needles, and I really don’t want to go that route. So…hope little Miss Twoey decides to make an appearance. My only thought is that she is holding out for June 15 – the one day I didn’t want her to arrive because it is my brother’s birthday, my parents’ anniversary, and every few years it is also Father’s Day!

We had a really good day with Micah today – he seems much less grumpy, he napped well, and he went to bed easily. Hopefully a good sign!

Still Here

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Well, I’m still here…hanging in there. I cannot believe little Miss Twoey has not made her arrival yet!! I’ve been having fairly regular contractions for the past several days, and they’ve been about 2 minutes apart for the last 24 hours or so. I’m having a fair amount of pain and discomfort, and frankly, I’m ready to get this show on the road! We are about as ready as we are going to get – house is clean and in order, the necessities are washed, the car seat is in the car, the hospital bag is packed, and we are probably about as on top of our work as we are going to get. I should probably do about another month worth of work before labor hits, but hey, I’ve actually accomplished more than I expected so far. Now…if we could just come up with a name for Twoey!

This week has been a little better. My mom seems to be regaining her strength, and I’m trying to move forward with everything in my life, too. Yesterday was a good day with Micah. He woke up at 3:15 am screaming again, but he was laying down the entire time, so I decided to see if he could put himself back to sleep. Luckily, he was only awake about 15 minutes and then slept until about 7:30 or so. Still not perfect, but it was progress! Of course, I felt like a horrible mom the entire time for not going in to comfort him, but he was just upset, not hysterical, and I had a feeling that going in to his room would just make it all worse and have him up all night. I just don’t want him to develop a 3:00 am wake up habit and think that is snuggle time with mommy and daddy.

I haven’t been spending as much time on Tuesdays and Thursdays with Micah since our babysitter, Christin, started a few weeks ago. It has been a great opportunity for me to get some things accomplished and take care of myself, but…I have been missing my Micah time! So, I decided to take the morning (perhaps one of my last with only 1 child) and spend some time with Micah. For our morning activity, I scheduled a haircut for Micah. We walked over there, got his hair cut, and then stopped off at a park to play. Christin helped with the chasing, but we had a fun time together! He gave me kisses, and he seemed fascinated by the other children. He saw one boy drinking water from a bottle, and he wanted one, too, so I gave him his milk. Then, the boy started to eat one of those sippy pouches of fruit. Luckily, I had one on hand, and Micah downed that, too. He then seemed ravenous, so I gave him a cheese stick. Unfortunately, he was still hungry and was searching through the bags for more food. I happened to remember that the restaurant across the street has a kids’ performer and lunch every Tuesday, so we popped across the street. We missed the performer, but we were able to join in for the lunch special. Micah ate pita and hummus and a few french fries (okay, the fries are not super healthy, but he did already eat cheese, fruit and veggies before this, and I gave him whole wheat pita and hummus).

After lunch, the three of us headed back home. We immediately put Micah down for his nap and I went back to getting some work done. I was having horrible contractions and struggling with nausea, so the afternoon was a bit rough for me. Normally, Micah sleeps about 2.5- 3 hours. Naturally, 50 minutes after we put him down for his nap, the screaming began! I had Christin go get him, and I could hear that he was in a horrible mood.

I came upstairs to help out for a bit…and he was just a mess. I took him and hugged him for a while, but he was still yelling. I am fairly certain this is teething pain, but this has been going on quite some time. I decided to give him some Tylenol, and then I administered the next best medication I know…Sesame Street. I usually hate to use tv as a soothing device, but sometimes….well, it works. I flipped on the tv, Micah put his thumb in his mouth and curled up on top of me. After a little while, I scooted away from Micah (and let Christin sneak in to cuddle with him). I decided to make him some popsicles (I did 2 yogurt/applesauce and 2 applesauce) because I thought perhaps the cold would help his gums. I then went back downstairs and went back to work. I told Christin she should take him outside after the show ended – either for a walk or to play “basketball.” I heard them go outside, and I could hear Micah screaming a bit. I checked on him – apparently, he wanted to sit and play in the bike trailer, and probably wanted to go for a ride. They stayed outside for about 30-40 minutes, and then Christin brought him in because it was so buggy outside. Micah was protesting loudly, but he brought his basketball inside. I came upstairs to play with them for a bit. I made a “basket” with my arms and showed Micah he could play that way. He actually giggled! Then I showed him how to bounce the ball, which is apparently hysterically funny. He spent the next 40 minutes throwing and bouncing the ball.

Christin left at 5:00, and Micah and I continued to play. He started to get grumpy again and he was banging on one of the cabinets, so I assumed that meant he was hungry. Lately, feeding him has been a challenge. I offered him a cracker and he threw it on the ground. I gave him a graham cracker, and he smashed that in his hands and screamed. I asked him if he wanted cheese, and he shook his head “NO.” I asked if he wanted strawberries – again, I got a no. I opened the cabinet again and Micah lunged for the bag of raisins. I tried to give him a few raisins, but he threw a fit because he wanted to hold the bag and take the raisins out himself. I decided it wasn’t worth the battle, so I let him have the bag of raisins. He sat on the floor happily munching on raisins for a while, but then started to get upset again. I offered him some cereal (we struggled over the box – he just wanted to dump cereal from the box on the floor), and then I decided that I would just feed him dinner because it was almost 6. I pulled out some turkey for him – and he was throwing it back at me before I even got it on his tray. I cleared that off and offered him some kidney beans…and again, those hit the floor. At this point, I got a bit frustrated. I put some fish sticks in to cook and I went in search of something for Micah to munch on while we waited. The cereal flew, crackers were smashed, and there was much yelling and screaming. I cut up a few strawberries, and Micah went to town on those.

A little after 6, Elliot walked through the door. Thankfully, he took over feeding our grumpy little bugger. He figured out that Micah did want the kidney beans – as long as he could eat them with a fork. Micah also ate a few fish sticks, followed up by a peach. In the end, he had a very good dinner. After dinner, Micah started to get cranky again, so Elliot took him on a walk. Christin returned around 7:30 (we had to go to a new student meeting at the preschool), and I warned her that Micah might be difficult at bedtime. Elliot returned with Micah and we took off for the preschool meeting. It went well – we met several other parents whose children will be in class with Micah next year (it turns out, I already know two of them), and we received copies of all the forms we need to fill out and submit in the next few months. When we got home, we learned that Micah went to bed immediately…and much to our amazement, he slept soundly until 8:15 this morning (and played quietly in bed until 8:30).

Today has been rather uneventful – I had a rough night dealing with all the contractions, but apparently it was not enough to send me into full labor. I’m still contracting and uncomfortable, but no need to run to the hospital yet. Micah is at daycare and I have been focusing on getting some last-minute work done. I also ran out and met my mom and dad for lunch.

About 10 minutes ago, they called today from the crematorium…Nugget’s remains should be ready today. I just cried all over again. I am still missing that little stinker!! We went out and bought one of those little surface brooms – we have a lot of mess we need to start cleaning. I’m not ready to have that box of her ashes here…I guess I’ll just have to face that soon enough.

Progress

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Today was a LONG day…Micah decided to wake up screaming at 5:00 am. Quite unusual for him, but his sleep habits lately have been a bit erratic. It is either from teething or because he senses some changes, but I have no idea! We tried bringing him into bed with us for a while, but Micah wanted to get up and play. By 6:00 or so, Elliot bit the bullet and agreed to let me sleep and bring Micah downstairs. I slept until about 8 and then joined them.

We took Micah to daycare after breakfast (and Micah was definitely difficult about breakfast again). It was a crazy day for me – we had a conference call for work at 11, and then I needed to go to my condo to wait for a cleaning service to clean the carpet and the HVAC repair guy to come and fix the broken AC. Luckily, the issue with the AC was fairly minor – apparently, one of the wires on the contact circuit burned out and just needed to be replaced. So, the AC is working again, the carpet is clean, and my condo is ready for sale! While we were waiting on the carpet cleaning, we had our architect come and meet us so we could review the bid from our contractor. We had a few questions we need to nail down, but we are in a good place, and we’ve okayed our architect to move forward and finalize things and start applying for permits!
When Micah got home from daycare, he wanted to play out back for a while – he was busy playing “basketball” – and he was just so cute!! He loves to throw the ball through the hoop and clap each and every time. We dragged him inside after 20 minutes to feed him dinner (I think Micah would live outside if he could). Unfortunately, he started to melt down while we tried to feed him dinner. He threw the chicken on the floor, and the cheerios, and he did not want to eat much fruit. He was just grumpy, and we were shocked that he refused the food. After a screaming fit, I decided that he was probably exhausted since he woke up at 5:00 am. We decided we would plop him in front of the tv to watch an episode of Word World before bed. At 7:45, Elliot took Micah upstairs for an early bath and bed. For the second night in a row, he screamed his head off at bedtime before crashing. I wish I knew what was going on with him!! Anyway, he has been sleeping soundly so far – I hope he is just exhausted and sleeps through the night tonight.
Things went pretty well for my mom today at her appointments. The good news is the gastroenterologist thinks he knows what is wrong and believes the issue is her stomach. The bad news is she has to go through several more tests to figure out how he wants to proceed with treating her, and it could be a bit of time before she really bounces back. She is having some other bloodwork done to see if there are any other crazy things going on that could be causing her exhaustion. Tomorrow she will go see her cardiologist and do a quick follow-up to make sure everything is in order. She has bloodwork and follow-up tests scheduled later this week, so hopefully she’ll get more answers and a plan of action by next week.
As for me…well, Twoey seems to be clawing her way out tonight. I’m having regular contractions and a lot of pain and pressure and tons of sharp stabbing pains. We’ll see if this is just another rough night or for real.

Adjusting

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I’m having a difficult time adjusting to life without my dog. It probably sounds crazy to you…especially those of you who do not have pets. I find myself looking for Nugget – unconsciously. I wake up in the night and notice she isn’t on the bed, so I sit up and search the room for her…until I remember that she is gone. I find myself glancing around the room and searching for her throughout the day, or checking my path as I walk to the bathroom to be sure I avoid tripping over her. I pause to hold the gate open as I go up the stairs to make sure that she can get through and follow me…only to realize that she isn’t there to follow me. I wake up at a noise in the early morning, and I peer over the edge of the bed, expecting Nugget to be there pawing at the side of the bed to tell me she is ready to get up and start the day. I miss her crazy “burrowing” that she does every morning when we all wake up, and her digging on the bed covers at night to make a comfortable spot for herself. I notice the odd silence (lack of jingling from her tags) and wonder what she has gotten into, and then remember why it is so quiet in the house. I find myself doing the defensive moves to rescue fallen food from the floor and grabbing stray dishes so that Nugget doesn’t have a chance to get in there and steal it…and then realize the food is safe now. Out of habit, I gave Micah a cheese stick earlier today and immediately picked him up and put him on the couch and started to stand guard so Nugget didn’t steal it from him – and then realized he could walk freely around the house (and even put the stick down on the coffee table) without any worries right now.
I’ve also learned that Nugget might have been the best housekeeper in this family – in the 3 days since her passing, this house has become a complete and utter mess! There are trails of crumbs and food all over the place – my carpet has never looked so disgusting! After 12 years, I have apparently developed horrible habits as well – I noticed today as I was eating a graham cracker and leaving a trail behind me that I had grown to rely on my furry little hoover who always stood right beneath me to catch my crumb trail. We are going to have to re-learn new habits, and quickly!
I have to say, I thought Micah would show more visible signs of missing Nugget. He doesn’t really seem to look for her or call her at all. I think he has already moved on, but perhaps that is for the best. In the next few months, we will be turning his world upside down – first, his dog is gone, next, we will be bringing a baby home, and then we will be moving from the only house he has ever known. I hope he is able to easily adjust.
In slightly better news, my mom was released from the hospital on Friday afternoon. I’m being a bit cautious about writing this out because we still never seemed to get a firm diagnosis and she is still not feeling great. Since Friday, she has been extremely tired. I understand sickness can wipe you out, but I’m still a bit worried – I would like to see her regain her energy again. She has a bunch of doctors appointments to go to this week, so perhaps we will get some more definitive answers. All we know is that she has been dealing with nausea and stomach issues, that she can eat and function while she is on a ton of anti-nausea meds, and they found fluid in her lungs so they told her it was pneumonia and put her on two antibiotics. They have not yet confirmed by xray that the fluid in her lungs has cleared up (in fact, it had gotten worse on Thursday). I’m hoping at least we can get that cleared up this week.
Micah was a bear to put to bed tonight – he fought and cried for about 45 minutes. We had to go back in a few times, but he just did not want us to leave him alone tonight. I guess I can understand that – some nights, I hate to leave him, too. Micah has been talking more and more every day. He has been stringing two words together (sit down, get out) at times, and he is repeating a lot of words. He has been loving tennis, and he dutifully cheered with me for Rafael Nadal as he won his 5th French Open title today. Every time Rafa hit the ball, Micah would raise his arms and yell “Go!” He saw an apple on my shirt today (I got it at the grand opening of an Apple Store years ago) and he spent the night pointing at it and saying “apple.” He seems to be repeating letters of the alphabet when we show them in a book or on some of the TV shows like Sesame Street and Between the Lions. He also seems to be recognizing some numbers. We have been counting backwards from 20 or 10 every time we change his diaper (he seems to enjoy it and it keeps him still until we get to 1 – not sure why, but it works). The last few days, he tries to count with us – he repeats some of the numbers, and a few times I even *think* he might have said a number or two with me!
As for me – well, I’m shocked this baby hasn’t arrived yet, but a little relieved because I’m not sure how I could handle it. I’ve been contracting every 4-5 minutes for most of the past few days. I’ve had periods when the contractions are stronger, but they do not seem to be converting into full-blown labor yet. I am having a lot of pain/discomfort from the baby when I stand, so I keep thinking we are close. I just hope after all this pre-term labor nonsense I don’t end up going PAST my due date! I really thought she would arrive today. My next guess is June 15, since that is the date for everything else…my parents’ anniversary, my brother’s birthday, and every few years it is Father’s Day, too. I really hope I have the baby this week, though – I have a conference I am supposed to present at on June 26!
So…I’m hanging in there. I’m feeling pretty down a lot – still having some random crying fits here and there. I really hope all of this pre-baby stress doesn’t turn into post-partum depression for me. I’m just worn down right now, and definitely feeling a little blue from everything. I am trying my best to pick myself up by my boot straps, though, but right now it is feeling like a challenge.

Goodbye, Nugget

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My dog died tonight. I’m not even sure where to begin, or exactly what to say. I’m still pretty shocked and devastated. As you all know, we found out in early April that she was suffering from congestive heart failure. I knew her time was limited…but somehow I thought we had more time. They stabilized her on medication, and all seemed to be going well. On May 24, I noticed that Nugget’s breathing was a bit more labored and she was coughing a tad. I took her in to the vet, and he confirmed that fluid was backing up in her lungs again. At that point, I knew that if we could not maintain her for even 6 weeks on medication, her time was likely limited.

The vet increased her Lasix and sent her home. Over the next days, she seemed much better. She was coughing less frequently, and her breathing seemed to ease up a bit. I brought her in for a re-check the following Wednesday, and the vet decided to keep her on the higher dose of Lasix until this week. She was due for a re-check again this week, but I had noticed her breathing was a bit more labored again and she was waking up in the morning with a cough. I was fairly certain that they would not be reducing her medication as hoped, and I wondered if she would need an even higher dose of medication or a trip back to the cardiologist.

I took Nugget to the vet around 1:30 today. He noted that she had a slight fever, and suggested that he keep her overnight (at his house) and monitor her. He felt that she likely had an infection and he wanted to keep track of her and put her on antibiotics and monitor her breathing and coughing. I gave him a whole list of information about my dog…how she steals food, that she is deaf, and I warned him about all the trouble she was likely to cause him. After giving him my laundry list, I reluctantly agreed to leave her and headed back home without my dog. I called up around 3:30 to confirm that she still had a fever. The doctor spoke to me and said he really thought she had a mild infection and he thought from her breathing and lack of coughing that she was stable and fine. Elliot went to pick her up right around 5:00 pm.

I was thrilled to have Nugget home again, but as she sat here, I became convinced she was not doing well. Her breathing seemed very labored, and I definitely thought it almost sounded like a rattle. She sounded as awful as she did that night I brought her to the emergency hospital. Around 6:30 or so, I told Elliot that I thought I should bring Nugget to the hospital. He thought I should give the antibiotics more time to work. We debated a bit, and then I decided that I’d feed her dinner early and give her pills a bit early and see if that improved her breathing.

I went to give her the chewable pill…and she refused it. I immediately knew she was quite sick. I got the rest of her pills and put them in her mouth – she refused to swallow them, and then she threw up. At this point, Elliot confessed to giving her some fatty meat from his lamb ribs, and I was so angry. I managed to get the meds in her, but she still refused to eat. Micah was being really cranky and making a ton of noise and agitating the dog, so I asked Elliot to take him out for a bit so that I could try and calm Nugget back down again.

Nugget just seemed lethargic and restless at the same time. She wouldn’t sit still, but I kept thinking she was unsteady and seemed off. I called Elliot and told him I was going to the hospital, and he asked me to wait until he and Micah returned. They came back around 7:15 or so. Elliot was convinced that Nugget was doing better and I should wait a bit and see if she was feeling better after vomiting. I noticed that Nugget was not running from Micah, and she just sort of stayed in one place. I agreed to wait until Elliot put Micah to bed before I left for the hospital.

Elliot took Micah upstairs a few minutes after 8. Nugget had moved to the foot of the steps and sort of sprawled out, and Micah had been rolling around and kissing and hugging her just before bed. I kept thinking Nugget was giving me these “help me mommy” looks all night, and I was worried that she was not eating dinner and not trying to run from Micah. I planned on leaving immediately, but Elliot asked that I wait so he could send us off. I think I waited because I knew that it might be his only chance to say goodbye.

He came down around 8:15 or 8:20, and I had Nugget on a leash. She wouldn’t walk herself outside, and I knew it was not a good sign. I picked her up, and she vomited again…but this time, there was some watered down blood. I just knew that the night wasn’t going to end well. Elliot quickly grabbed a cloth diaper for me to take with us, and I carried Nugget to the car. I placed her on the seat next to me, and she didn’t even try to move into a more comfortable position – she just stayed exactly as I placed her. I started the drive to the vet, and about 2 blocks into the drive, she vomited again – she didn’t even try to move out of the vomit. I was watching the dog when I suddenly realized I’d veered across 3 lanes of traffic and nearly killed us both. I then stayed focused on the road and kept one hand on Nugget. She was very still and breathing very shallow and heavily. She was making choking sounds and she spit up a few more times. I just knew she would never make it to the hospital.

The hospital is about 3-4 miles away. We were about 1 mile or so into the drive when Nugget started to get quieter. The rattling sound stopped, and her breathing remained shallow but slowed. I started to cry because I knew she was dying. I kept telling her to hang in there and begged her not to die. I told her that I loved her. Her breathing continued to slow and there were long pauses between her breaths. She stopped blinking her eyes, and she twitched a few times. I then realized that the pauses between her breaths were just too long. And then I didn’t feel any more breaths at all. At this point, I was a little more than halfway to the hospital. I stopped at a light, and I just knew she had died. I started to wail and sob uncontrollably. I could barely see in front of me. I took my hand off of Nugget and grabbed my cell phone to call Elliot. I couldn’t even speak, I was just sobbing.

A few minutes later I arrived at the hospital. I was sobbing so loudly and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I walked around to the passenger side of the car and scooped Nugget up into my arms. I walked inside, wailing and sobbing. When they asked me what was wrong, I simply said “I think my dog just died.” They took her from me and they took her in the back…and confirmed that Nugget died.

The rest is sort of a blur…talking about cremation or asking me if I wanted to bring her body back home. I asked if I could see her again and say goodbye. They brought her in to me, and she lay on the table, wrapped in a blanket. She was still warm and her fur was so soft. If I didn’t know better, I could almost believe she was just sleeping. I kissed her goodbye and I stroked her fur for a few minutes. Someone came in to talk to me some more about my choices, and I’m not really sure what I said. Cremation is something I do not believe in (religious reasons), yet…I couldn’t see how I would take her body home with me. I don’t know where I would bury her (in our small backyard that we will be tearing apart soon for renovations, not to mention that I kind of hate the house and hope to sell it one day? At my parents’ house? At my cousins’ farm?) I kept imagining her rotting in the heat in the car overnight because I didn’t know what to do with her. I couldn’t exactly put her on the couch until morning, or carry her up to our bed, or keep her in the fridge until I figured out what to do either. And then I imagined Elliot with a shovel in the dark trying to dig out a grave. All of the options just seemed so awful to me – it was almost laughable. Part of me wanted to look into a pet cemetery…but I think the cost for maintaining a grave is a little crazy, too. I was just in such shock. I could have told them to hold on to her body until I decide, too, but I just didn’t think it would get easier to decide later.

All I’ve been able to think about is that I really didn’t take advantage of the time I had left with Nugget. I should have cuddled with her more, and paid more attention to her. I was content to just let her be – rest and sleep and not interact with her sometimes. Even tonight, when she kept looking at me with those sad eyes, I spent a lot of the night just watching her, letting her be by herself. I checked my computer, I made some phone calls, and I read books to Micah. I should have picked her up and held her, or curled up next to her on the floor to pet her. I hope she knew I was concerned and that she didn’t feel alone.

The hardest part was walking away with her sitting there on that table, wrapped in the blanket. I just left my baby alone there. I felt horrible that, even though she died, her body was alone. It started to feel really morbid to stay with her and touch her, but I hated to just leave her like that. And yet, I did. My Nugget is gone, and right now, she is sitting alone at that animal hospital. And I’m sending her to be cremated, and that just seems horrible to me, too.

I have never really believed in a “heaven” – I like the thought, but it just isn’t part of my belief system. Tonight, I hope I’m really wrong about that, and I hope that Nugget has found my Grammy up in a heaven somewhere – I know how much my Grammy loved her, and they would take great care of each other. So, I hope Nugget is happily snuggled in Grammy’s lap, maybe stealing food from the snack bowl. But…I just miss her, and wish I had more time with her. I always thought she’d live to a ripe old age. I wanted Micah to spend more time with her, and I wanted her to continue to be our family hoover. I wanted Nugget to meet Twoey, and I wanted Twoey to develop a love for dogs because of Nugget’s presence in the house. But, most of all, I wanted to keep my first baby with me as long as I could. Nugget has been with me for 12 years…from law school graduation, through my first legal job, through unemployment and starting my business, through bad relationships, through a good relationship, through marriage and through a baby. For many years, she was THE reason I got up in the morning and got myself out of bed. She is the first thing I think about when I wake up in the middle of the night, and she has been my focus for so long. I just feel like there is this big, gaping hole in my heart…and my life.

Another Reason I Love Having Midwives

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My midwives just called me today. When I tested posted for Group B Strep, I asked Angel (the midwife I was seeing) whether I could do oral antibiotics prior to labor instead of IV antibiotics. I told her I knew it was against conventional medical advice, but that I was fairly certain I would be turning down IV antibiotics at labor due to my phobia, and taking the oral antibiotics couldn’t hurt and might be a good compromise. Last time, with Micah, I was on the oral antibiotics (due to the chronic Group B Strep UTIs) and turned down the IV antibiotics. Everything turned out fine. I even had a negative Group B Strep swab just prior to labor, which helped me feel that I was making a safe choice. The risk of transmission is actually fairly low in the absence of a fever, active infection, and labor shorter than 18 hours, so I feel comfortable with my choice. I was in labor with Micah for 6 hours, and we expect this labor will go quickly this time, too. Honestly, with a short labor, they may not even be able to get in an IV and deliver the antibiotics to me at the hospital before the baby is born. They also recommend 2-3 doses prior to the birth of the baby for full effectiveness, and that requires at least 8-10 hours.

Angel said she needed to discuss things with Chris and Sharon, the other midwives who treated me last time. Well, she called back this morning, and they are calling in the antibiotics! I have to sign a form indicating that I have been advised to take IV antibiotics and I am declining, but they are “working with me” in my refusal to take the recommended course of action. This was a wink, wink, nod, nod situation – they have to recommend what the AMA standard is, but they are doing their best to support my decision without endorsing it. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that!

Naturally, I’ve done my research. There are a number of studies indicating that oral antibiotics, when taken prior to labor and maintained until delivery, are just as effective (and perhaps more so) than IV antibiotics. There are also studies indicating that if the antibiotics are stopped, they are not effective at all. They key is no lapse in the antibiotics allowing time for the Group B Strep to re-grow. There are also studies that indicate IV antibiotics for women with short labors fail to reduce the risk of transmission of the Group B strep because there is insufficient time to for the medicine to work before the baby passes through the birth canal. So, in my opinion, this really is the smartest option for me. That is a HUGE relief for me!! Can I get some credit for being rational in my crazy phobia?

Too much going on

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I haven’t been up for posting much lately – I have so much swirling around in my head, and I don’t exactly know where to begin. I think I’m just a bit overwhelmed with all that is going on right now. I think I’m feeling a bit out of control…as my mom says, when man plans, G-d laughs. I think G-d is having quite a good chuckle at my expense this week.

Ironically, I spent most of this pregnancy expecting (and worrying about) pre-term labor. I’m officially 37 weeks pregnant right now, and we are “out of the woods” so to speak. Now, I think my biggest fear is that this baby will stay put forever and I’ll be overdue! I’ve been doing everything I can to clean the house and be prepared. We finally dug all the junk out of our bedroom and the house is about as in-order as it will be. I arranged for child care for Micah when I go into labor, we’ve got our birth plan in place and I’ve got our schedule all written out.

Unfortunately, yesterday a wrench was thrown into my plans…and a whole new worry fell on my plate. My mom was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance yesterday afternoon, and they still do not know what is wrong. She was nauseated and sick and it just wouldn’t stop. It came on suddenly – I was on the phone with her only an hour or two before making plans with her to come join us for dinner. I was extremely worried because it is not like my mom to call an ambulance – I knew she must have been horribly sick to go in an ambulance.

When she arrived at the hospital, they were concerned about a virus or an infection initially, so I’ve been unable to go visit her (she was actually placed in isolation). Since yesterday, they seem to have ruled out any infections, but they do not know exactly what is wrong. One theory is a drug interaction…she started a new medication a few weeks ago, and it might be causing all of this sickness. The only other theory on the table right now seems to be a problem called gastroparesis. I’ve looked into this online (and called a few doctor friends) and this does NOT appear to be good news. It is incurable, and the long-term prognosis is pretty scary. Most of the medications and options are only “temporary” fixes. I’m worried and scared because I *need* my mom to be around a very long time, and I want her to continue to enjoy a full and quality life.

So, on top of all the worries about my mom and her long-term well-being, I am having an immediate selfish reaction, too. I want my mom to be there with me when I give birth. She was such a huge help during labor last time, and I want her to be there right away to meet her newest granddaughter – and right now, she can’t be there. I just know that I will go into labor when she is out of commission, and I’m a bit worried about doing all of this without her (and I also don’t want her to miss out, either, because I know she wants to be a part of it all). I know that I will have Elliot there, but it really was a 2-person effort (okay, 3 counting the midwife) to get me through the last time. I also feel better knowing that after I deliver, my mom will be there with my Dad in the evenings to feed Micah and put him to bed.

Now I’m torn – I’m physically ready to have this baby, but I kind of want her to hang in a bit longer in the hope that my mom can recover and be there. Today was my 37 week appointment. I am over 70% effaced and 1-2 cm dilated. The baby has dropped (she did not say what station, but the baby is much lower and engaged). My belly is now measuring at 34 weeks (down 1 cm from last week). I’ve been spotting like crazy all day and having contractions. It kind of hurts for me to stand because of all the pressure. I also received some bad news at the appointment – I tested positive for Group B Strep :(. That means they would like to recommend that I take IV antibiotics during labor. I’m very torn – the studies about the benefits of IV antibiotics are mixed. It is the standard recommendation, and part of me knows that it would be better for the baby to take the antibiotics. But…I just don’t know that I can do the IV because of my phobia. We are talking to the midwives to see if they will prescribe a course of oral antibiotics for me to start taking now. It is not the recommended course, but I would feel like it was a fair compromise. I tend to have short labors – the greatest risk for spreading infection is longer labor, and I barely had 6 hours from when my water broke to when Micah was born the last time around. Something else for me to worry about, right?

I’m still worried about how to deal with 2 children, and our child care situation for next year, and how we can balance all that is going on with our home renovations. We are supposed to be putting my condo on the market this week – I sure hope it sells quickly and that we are able to break ground quickly, move without incident, and get a 3 bedroom place before Twoey outgrows our bedroom. I’m having a hard time seeing how everything is going to fall into place.

I also have to take the dog back to the vet tomorrow. Her heart condition has been deteriorating. We increased her dosage of lasix in the hope that the congestion in her lungs would improve. While I’ve noticed some improvement, she has been waking in the mornings with a cough and she has been breathing heavily. I do not think the vet is going to be able to reduce her medication as we had hoped, and I see another visit to the cardiologist in our future. I wish I knew when we could fit all of this into our crazy life.

I guess on a more upbeat note, I thought I’d share a few stories about Micah. His new favorite pasttime is to put cereal (or fruit) on his eyes. He just takes the food and mushes it in there, and then he laughs! I’ve been working on teaching him some new “phrases.” I’ve been teaching him to respond “me” (and point to himself) when I ask him “Who is cute?” He seems to get the concept…but our exchange goes more like this….”Micah, who is cute?” “Neee.” Yes, Micah says “nee” instead of “me.” I’ve noticed some other signs of growth – he actually lets me wipe his nose without any complaints anymore! In fact, he’ll show me he needs his nose wiped, or I can say “Micah, come here and let mommy wipe your nose” and he’ll walk right over and let me do what I need to do. I’ve also been amazed by the way he handles a sippy cup – he’ll spin it around until he finds the right angle (right side up). I love watching him twirl the cup around in a circle until he find the perfect position! Another funny story…Elliot was dressing Micah the other morning. I had given him the clothes and walked into the kitchen to clean up after breakfast. I glanced over at the two of them…and had to point out to Elliot that I usually prefer to take the pajamas OFF before dressing him! We had a good laugh over that. Finally, our latest challenge has been tempertantrums. Micah is definitely entering the terrible twos. We are finding meal time particularly difficult. He will throw a fit and chuck his food on the floor. I cannot decide if he throws a fit because we let him get too hungry, or if it is because he has very specific wants and we just keep guessing wrong. Either way, it has made meal time a bit of a challenge. Sometimes, it is as simple as giving him the WHOLE pancake instead of cutting it up. Other times, we have to just give up and give him fruit. I hope things get easier.

We have had a few incidents with “aggressive behavior” from Micah. Apparently, he bit another child at daycare on Friday. I think some of his behavior has a lot to do with his lack of language – he gets frustrated and does not know how to express it. I am working on his language and trying to teach him appropriate behaviors. I hope that we can get through this phase soon. If anyone has any suggestions, I’m happy to listen! I’m also a bit concerned about some of these behaviors because of our family history with ADD. I think later this summer I am going to take Micah to get evaluated. I do not think we’ll get any type of diagnosis at such a young age, but I’m hoping maybe the doctor can give me some good techniques for managing his behavior and pointing him in a better direction.

Okay – I guess that is all I’ve got right now. Keep your fingers crossed that everything falls into place and works out better than I have planned. Also, a little good news about my mom tomorrow would be great, too.

Crazy Day

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Wow…I’m exhausted. Micah woke up on the late side yesterday, and we did a mad dash to get hi to his art class before daycare…only to find out they canceled the class and forgot to tell us. We dropped him at daycare and came home. We got a bit of work done, but then we ran out to go to my condo to work on getting it ready for sale next week. We spent about an hour cleaning things out, then went to my my midwife appointment. The baby was doing well – I’m still 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced (or so). I was hoping for some more progress, but no such luck! I think she will be staying put for a little while longer. My belly was measuring around 35 weeks (I never got bigger than that with Micah). They did my group B strep test…let’s hope it comes back negative!

After the appointment, we came home. I finished putting a few things away, got a bit more work done, and then the architect and the builder came by. We talked about the new bid, finalized a few other pieces of information – and now we wait for a formal written bid (hopefully to come in on Monday). If the bid comes back as promised, we are all set to move forward and get these renovations on the road! Right after our meeting, Elliot ran out to pick Micah up from daycare. He did not nap at all yesterday, so cranky does not even begin to describe Micah’s mood last night. He was really difficult all through dinner, and we finally gave in and just put Sesame Street on for an hour before taking him upstairs for a bath and bedtime.

Micah woke a bit on the early side this morning (just before 8). He was still pretty cranky through breakfast, unfortunately. The babysitter, Christin, arrived at 9:00, and she helped keep him calm and get him dressed. My father showed up around 9:45 – it was the first day of the new semester of his Kidville classes, and unfortunately, I screwed up and scheduled an ultrasound during class. I wanted to go with Micah and Christin to show her the ropes, but I just couldn’t be in two places at once. My father volunteered to come down and go in with them so she would not have to do it on her own. Apparently, they had a great time – my father left the first class for a bit to run errands, but he was a huge help getting them down there and all settled into class.

While they were in class, Elliot and I went for the ultrasound. Twoey looked great…she is still head down. She was measuring at about 35 weeks (same as Micah at this point). They guestimated her weight at around 5 lbs 15 ozs (which I think is a bit smaller than they predicted for Micah at this point). I think she is going to be small like Micah. They confirmed a whole lot of hair again, too, so I think we are going to have another baby with crazy hair! She passed her biophysical profile with flying covers, scoring a perfect 8/8.

We made it home around 11:30. We scheduled Micah for back-to-back classes, so they did not come home until about 12:30. My father left and went about his day, and Christin fed Micah lunch. Our organizer, Leslie, showed up here around 12:00 – I immediately took her upstairs to help me finish digging out the bedroom. In the corner of the bedroom, I’ve had one last box that I never unpacked after we moved in, and a pile of a few other things. Since I gave up my office when we moved here, I don’t really have a place to store all of my papers and business items. Unfortunately, they’ve been getting a bit unwieldy. We sorted the box, sorted all of my papers, divided everything up for filing, and threw out several bags of unnecessary junk. I now have a space in the room to put a small dresser for Twoey’s clothing until we move into our bigger place. I feel SOOO much better to have unloaded a bit more (and Leslie also attacked Elliot’s half of the room and unloaded a bunch of his junk, too). So, things are looking up – we’ve significantly de-cluttered, which will make packing up to move MUCH easier (and I don’t have to feel like keeping the baby in our bedroom is a health hazard!).

Micah went down for his nap a little after 1:00 pm. While I was working with Leslie, Christin brought her friend Megan over (who previously babysat for us). Megan is thinking about changing her job, and might be interested in working for us as Micah and Twoey’s nanny beginning in September!! I’m so excited – if this works out, it really will be a great solution for us. She is responsible, good with children, and she is willing to work for a very reasonable amount of money since she is only 20 and has never been a nanny before (although she has TONS of babysitting experience). She would like to be a party planner when she “grows up” and my father has a lot of party planning connections (he owns a stationery business and does a lot of work in that field). We think we can hire her and help get her some internships/other part-time work in the party planning industry. Our hope is that she’ll work for us for two years full time (and maybe another year or so part-time), and that as our need decreases, we can slowly help her take off on the career of her dreams. Let’s see if this works out!

At 3:00, Leslie left. I was amazed at how much we accomplished in three hours. My mom normally comes on Thursday nights for date night, but she has had a rough week at work (and an unexpected trip to the dentist), so I told her she could take the night for herself if she needed it. She apologized, but decided to head home after work. I’m just so lucky she gives us as much time as she does! Since Christin is desperate for more hours and to earn more money, I asked her if she would mind staying later tonight. She happily agreed! When Micah woke up from his nap, she asked if she could take him over to her mom’s (Laura’s) house. Laura babysits my friend Niki and Eric’s kids on Thursdays (that is how I found Christin last year), and Micah loves playing with them and loves going to their house. I said it was fine, and off they went! They played in the baby pool, and played with trains. Christin called and asked if they could stay at Laura’s house through dinner, and I said that was fine. When they took off, Elliot and I decided to head back to my condo to finish emptying it and do all the touch-up painting that needed to be done. By the way, I love those Mr. Clean Magic Erasers – they did a great job removing all kinds of scuffs and issues. We stayed there for about 2 1/2 hours, decided not to do anything more for date night, then made it back here before Micah’s bedtime. We walked through the door, and Micah was sitting quietly, cuddling with Christin, and all dressed in his pajamas. We got to spend some time with him and put him to bed, so it was a nice evening. Christin took off after a VERY long day, but they both seemed to have a great time (and we managed to accomplish a lot today).

I can’t believe we still have another day left this week! I’m looking forward to the long weekend. We are going out to dinner on Saturday night with all of my cousins. We are thinking of having a few people over on Monday afternoon/evening for a Memorial Day….gathering. Very small and low-key, but hopefully it will be fun. We want to keep it small and simple (I am not up for working too hard…and I want to be able to easily cancel if I go into labor).

So…happy Memorial Day Weekend!!